Happy New Year From HGF

Narrator: Well hello children and a happy New Year to you one and all. As the sun rises on the dawn of the New Year many of us strive to make a new start and change our ways. Myself I going to try and put a stop to the superfluous, flowery and excessive content of my vocabulary, to be more precise and concise with my elocutionary burblings and eliminate the excessive rhetoric. Anyway, enough about me, shall we see what’s going on in the forest?

 

 

Carla is sat on a tree trunk strumming an acoustic guitar

 

 

Carla: (singing) Now I know how low to go, I won’t let it show, won’t you touch me, touch me?

 

Beuford creeps behind Carla and dives on top of her

 

Beuford: (screaming) STAGEDIVE!

 

 

The pair of rabbits crash to the ground

 

Beuford: (picking himself up) Aaah that was fun, alright doll? Hows it going?

 

Carla: (angry) what the hell are you doing? If you have broken my guitar I’ll …

 

Beuford: You’ll what exactly, whats with guitar anyway? Didn’t know you were a rock chick.

 

Oooooh you’re not one of those Christian rock fans are you?

 

You do know the devil has all the best tunes don’t you?

 

If you start playing creed I’ll disown you, no messing

 

Carla: (picking herself up) No I’m not, No I’m not, and I’m not going to even entertain the idea of having a theological debate with you

 

As to what’s with the guitar one of my new years resolutions is to learn how to play an instrument, when I was taking some of my old books to the charity shop I saw this and it was too good to leave

 

Beuford: You should have gone to cash converters, you can get loads of instruments there dirt cheap, it’s like where peoples dreams go to die, it stinks of desperation in there, its great I love it

 

Carla: You really have no shame do you?

 

Beuford: Nope none at all, anyway at least the people who’s misery I have cashed in on ended up with a few quid in their pockets, I mean who gives away good stuff like that?

 

Carla: Not everybody does things simply for money you know

 

Beuford: well more fool them then

 

Carla: You know not everyone is as cold hearted as you, have you thought about changing your ways? Making a new start for the new year being nice to people, making friends, not ruining everybody else’s fun simply for your own amusement.

 

Beuford: Well yeah I think about things like that when I’m bored it makes me giggle truth be told, the idea is ridiculous and I never make new years resolutions anyway.

 

Carla: And why not? We can always make ourselves better people

 

Beuford: That may well be true; I kinda doubt it but whatever. I don’t make them as a point of principle.

If I want to change I don’t need it to be a certain time of year I’ll just do it. If anything I’ll be even less inclined to change when everyone else is I never go with the crowd, you know this.

 

Plus who keeps their resolutions anyway?

 

It’s for the proles.

 

Carla: So you don’t do it to be different? You act so jaded and Cynical but I saw you on Christmas day Beuford, I saw you with my own two eyes as happy as everyone else

 

Beuford: So you’re moaning I was happy now? I can’t win can I? I really can’t win!

 

Carla: I didn’t mean that, I mean I have seen the real you and I like him

 

I like him a lot

 

Couldn’t we just see more of him?

 

Beuford: The real me is me, sure I may get caught in the moment from time to time but that’s all it is a moment. It’s not like a weakness or anything I just know how things really are.

 

Carla: And just how is that exactly?

 

Beuford: Expect the worse and you’ll only ever be pleased with how things turn out, look for the best in everything and everyone and you’ll only ever be let down.

 

I’m sorry doll that’s just the way it goes

 

Carla: (sadly) I feel so sorry for you at times

 

Beuford: Don’t, seriously you being you is part of me being me isn’t it.

 

Carla: (confused) what?

 

Beuford: I don’t want your pity, that isn’t you if you aren’t you how can I be me?

 

Carla: You’re talking in riddles now; I have got to go anyway

 

Happy New year Beuford

 

Carla gives Beuford a kiss on the cheek and hops away

 

Narrator: Wasn’t that marvelous? Of course young Beuford is right you don’t have to wait until the New Year to change and few people do actually keep to the resolutions they make but Carla is also right we can always be better people.

 

Until next time

 

Take care you

 

Beuford: Happy New Year my love

The Nativity

Narrator:

Hello children. The Christmas holidays are upon us, school work has taken a back seat, Games are played, assemblies are assembled and one of the longest standing traditions is reenacted. The humble nativity play.

 

Stood in front of a red curtain Beuford address’ the crowd of proud parents sat in the school hall.

 

Beuford: Hello, good evening and welcome to Happy Green Forest High. The nativity play is an important part of our Christmas traditions, For my English and drama classes I volunteered to write and direct this my own adaptation…

 

If we could have silence through out as the actors are a little nervous …

 

Ladies and Gentleman please enjoy the definitive version of the Christmas Story …

 

Beuford takes a small bow and walks off stage to applause from the parents.

 

The curtain rolls back to reveal Marley, with a blanket wrapped around her sat centre stage.

 

Marley: Alright I’m Mary innit

 

 

Jake comes bounding on stage, dressed in white with a tinsel halo wrapped around his ears.

 

Jake: BEHOLD for it is I Gabriel!

 

Marley: Alright Gabe’s how’s it hanging?

 

Jake: Its not I’m an angel, we are without sex, speaking of being without sex, you’re a virgin aint you?

 

Marley: Yeah me mam always told me to keep me hand on me ha’penny

 

Jake: But you’re married now … What does Joseph make of it all?

 

Marley: I’m his beard

 

Jake: You’re his what?

 

Marley: his beard, but never mind that, what you doing round these parts?

 

Jake: ummm oh yeah , I have a message from God!

 

Marley: Alright …. Hit me with it bad boy

 

Jake: You are to become a mother … to the son of god himself no less!

 

Marley: that’s pretty cool

 

Jake: I say, you are taking this very well, most people would freak out

 

Marley: Na Its cool, must be my destiny of something right? So this boy can I call him Keanu?

 

Jake: umm no Gods son is going to be called Jesus

 

Marley: Is he hell as like, No child of mine is being called that, how about Levi?

 

Jake: No, how about Jesus

 

Marley: Barry?

 

Jake: Jesus

 

Marley: Snoopy

 

Jake: What? You want to call the son of god Snoopy

 

Marley: Yeah I can has a nice ring to it don’t it

 

Jake: Look I’m just the messenger an’ all but you have to call the sprog Jesus

 

Marley: (sucks teeth) Whatever!

 

Jake exits stage left.

 

Marley: anyone else think that was all a bit weird? Still I bet my …er … Husband Joseph will be well chuffed, son and heir and all that

 

Look here he comes now!

 

Carl enters stage right

 

Carl: hiya love! Who was that you were talking to?

 

Marley: ooh him? Just an angel … I’m going to have gods baby

 

Carl: oooh get you! If it’s a boy can we call him Julio?

 

Marley: Well the winged wonder said Jesus but I like Snoopy

 

Carl: It is a nice name; you never hear it enough I think

 

Marley: Snoopy it is then

 

Carl: So when are you due?

 

Marley: Well is March now so about Christmas time… oooh we should call him Noel

 

Carl: After Edmonds? That’s brilliant!

 

Wait … we have to go back to Bethlehem for Christmas this year

 

Marley: Just for once couldn’t we see my family?

 

Carl: No it’s for a census or something

 

 

Marley: yeah of course it is … mummy’s boy

 

The curtain closes Beuford walks onto the stage

 

Beuford: Nine long months have passed and the heavily pregnant Mary and her Husband have made the long treacherous journey to Bethlehem ignoring all medical advice and without prebooking their accommodation.

 

Let’s see how the story unfolds …

 

Beuford walks off stage and the curtain reopens to show Marley still wrapped in the blanket but now with a pillow stuffed under her clothes, lay against some bales of hay.

 

Marley: Can you believe this? We travel all this way with me up the duff about to calf down any minute and he doesn’t book us a room? This place is heaving around Christmas time so where do we end up?

 

A work in progress barn conversion

 

Work in progress… There are still animals in here!

 

Marley grabs her stomach

 

 

Oh great! And now me waters have broken!

 

JOSEEEEEEEPH!

 

Carl comes running onstage and stands in front of Marley blocking her from the audiences view

 

Carl: How great is this place! Real roomy like

 

What’s the matter wifey?

 

Marley: Me waters ‘ave broke aint they. the babby is on its way!

 

 

Oh god I want to push, I need to push

 

 

Carl: Shall I get some hot water and towels?

 

Marley: Do I look like I want a bath? Get me a doctor or some drugs

 

 

Or both

 

Carl: I don’t know its Christmas Eve, how about I just sit down next to you and hold your hand?

 

Marley: No man is ever touching me again! Get away from me

 

Carl: Ever again? I thought you were pure?

 

Marley: A woman has needs as well you know!

 

Carl: Oh my god I can see the head … that’s gross … I feel sick

 

Marley: You feel sick? Its coming out of me

 

Carl: By the looks of it I think one more push should get him out … ewwww you have done a  poo on him

 

Marley: I can’t help it

 

OK here goes (straining) Hunnnnghhhh

 

(pop)

 

Carl: He’s out! It’s a boy!

 

Marley: Thank god that’s over, are you going to cut the cord?

 

Carl: No way, I’m not touching that

 

Marley: Typical I’ll do it my self then

 

Carl stands aside to show Marley holding a very dirty looking doll wrapped in blankets.

 

Marley: Aaah the son of god is born Snoopy Julio Noel Edmonds Jesus Carpenter

 

Carl: You are giving him my Surname?

 

Marley: Well it’s just right isn’t it.

 

James, Lucas and Carlton walk onto the stage

 

Marley: Who the hell are you lot?

 

What are doing in here?

 

 

Lucas; We are three wise men, we followed a star all the way here from lands afar

 

Marley: Followed a star? Doesn’t sound very wise to me

 

Anyway get out, I have just had a babbby

 

Carlton: We  brought gifts

 

Marley: really … what have you got?

 

Lucas: I have brought Gold!

 

Marley: well you can stay then

 

Carlton: I have brought frankincense

 

Marley: Have you got the receipt?

 

Carlton: Umm yeah I should have it somewhere; I never know what to get people

 

James: and I have brought Myrrh

 

Marley: Whats the hell is that?

 

James: Umm dunno lol

 

Sara with a tea towel wrapped around her head enters from stage right

 

Sara: Hi I’m a Shepard, I heard you have had a baby do you want a sheep?

 

Beuford strides onto the stage and stands in front of everyone

 

Beuford: And so the son of god was born, Snoopy changed his name by Deed poll in seventeen a.d to Jesus and trained to be a magician, his most famous feat was cheating death at his much heralded Easter crucifixion spectacular, he also walked on water and invented the moonwalk.

 

The end.

 

Narrator: Many schools now do an updated or slightly different interpretation of this classic bible story and pinnacle of primary school drama. Most of them are dangerously politically correct nonsense, through fear of offending anyone. Being offended is part of everyday life and is a core right of freedom of speech. It is impossible to have a society where nobody will ever be offended.

 

Until next time

 

Take Care You

 

 

Beuford: Thank you ladies and gentlemen, you can buy the unrated directors cut on dvd in the foyer only £10