The Nativity

Narrator:

Hello children. The Christmas holidays are upon us, school work has taken a back seat, Games are played, assemblies are assembled and one of the longest standing traditions is reenacted. The humble nativity play.

 

Stood in front of a red curtain Beuford address’ the crowd of proud parents sat in the school hall.

 

Beuford: Hello, good evening and welcome to Happy Green Forest High. The nativity play is an important part of our Christmas traditions, For my English and drama classes I volunteered to write and direct this my own adaptation…

 

If we could have silence through out as the actors are a little nervous …

 

Ladies and Gentleman please enjoy the definitive version of the Christmas Story …

 

Beuford takes a small bow and walks off stage to applause from the parents.

 

The curtain rolls back to reveal Marley, with a blanket wrapped around her sat centre stage.

 

Marley: Alright I’m Mary innit

 

 

Jake comes bounding on stage, dressed in white with a tinsel halo wrapped around his ears.

 

Jake: BEHOLD for it is I Gabriel!

 

Marley: Alright Gabe’s how’s it hanging?

 

Jake: Its not I’m an angel, we are without sex, speaking of being without sex, you’re a virgin aint you?

 

Marley: Yeah me mam always told me to keep me hand on me ha’penny

 

Jake: But you’re married now … What does Joseph make of it all?

 

Marley: I’m his beard

 

Jake: You’re his what?

 

Marley: his beard, but never mind that, what you doing round these parts?

 

Jake: ummm oh yeah , I have a message from God!

 

Marley: Alright …. Hit me with it bad boy

 

Jake: You are to become a mother … to the son of god himself no less!

 

Marley: that’s pretty cool

 

Jake: I say, you are taking this very well, most people would freak out

 

Marley: Na Its cool, must be my destiny of something right? So this boy can I call him Keanu?

 

Jake: umm no Gods son is going to be called Jesus

 

Marley: Is he hell as like, No child of mine is being called that, how about Levi?

 

Jake: No, how about Jesus

 

Marley: Barry?

 

Jake: Jesus

 

Marley: Snoopy

 

Jake: What? You want to call the son of god Snoopy

 

Marley: Yeah I can has a nice ring to it don’t it

 

Jake: Look I’m just the messenger an’ all but you have to call the sprog Jesus

 

Marley: (sucks teeth) Whatever!

 

Jake exits stage left.

 

Marley: anyone else think that was all a bit weird? Still I bet my …er … Husband Joseph will be well chuffed, son and heir and all that

 

Look here he comes now!

 

Carl enters stage right

 

Carl: hiya love! Who was that you were talking to?

 

Marley: ooh him? Just an angel … I’m going to have gods baby

 

Carl: oooh get you! If it’s a boy can we call him Julio?

 

Marley: Well the winged wonder said Jesus but I like Snoopy

 

Carl: It is a nice name; you never hear it enough I think

 

Marley: Snoopy it is then

 

Carl: So when are you due?

 

Marley: Well is March now so about Christmas time… oooh we should call him Noel

 

Carl: After Edmonds? That’s brilliant!

 

Wait … we have to go back to Bethlehem for Christmas this year

 

Marley: Just for once couldn’t we see my family?

 

Carl: No it’s for a census or something

 

 

Marley: yeah of course it is … mummy’s boy

 

The curtain closes Beuford walks onto the stage

 

Beuford: Nine long months have passed and the heavily pregnant Mary and her Husband have made the long treacherous journey to Bethlehem ignoring all medical advice and without prebooking their accommodation.

 

Let’s see how the story unfolds …

 

Beuford walks off stage and the curtain reopens to show Marley still wrapped in the blanket but now with a pillow stuffed under her clothes, lay against some bales of hay.

 

Marley: Can you believe this? We travel all this way with me up the duff about to calf down any minute and he doesn’t book us a room? This place is heaving around Christmas time so where do we end up?

 

A work in progress barn conversion

 

Work in progress… There are still animals in here!

 

Marley grabs her stomach

 

 

Oh great! And now me waters have broken!

 

JOSEEEEEEEPH!

 

Carl comes running onstage and stands in front of Marley blocking her from the audiences view

 

Carl: How great is this place! Real roomy like

 

What’s the matter wifey?

 

Marley: Me waters ‘ave broke aint they. the babby is on its way!

 

 

Oh god I want to push, I need to push

 

 

Carl: Shall I get some hot water and towels?

 

Marley: Do I look like I want a bath? Get me a doctor or some drugs

 

 

Or both

 

Carl: I don’t know its Christmas Eve, how about I just sit down next to you and hold your hand?

 

Marley: No man is ever touching me again! Get away from me

 

Carl: Ever again? I thought you were pure?

 

Marley: A woman has needs as well you know!

 

Carl: Oh my god I can see the head … that’s gross … I feel sick

 

Marley: You feel sick? Its coming out of me

 

Carl: By the looks of it I think one more push should get him out … ewwww you have done a  poo on him

 

Marley: I can’t help it

 

OK here goes (straining) Hunnnnghhhh

 

(pop)

 

Carl: He’s out! It’s a boy!

 

Marley: Thank god that’s over, are you going to cut the cord?

 

Carl: No way, I’m not touching that

 

Marley: Typical I’ll do it my self then

 

Carl stands aside to show Marley holding a very dirty looking doll wrapped in blankets.

 

Marley: Aaah the son of god is born Snoopy Julio Noel Edmonds Jesus Carpenter

 

Carl: You are giving him my Surname?

 

Marley: Well it’s just right isn’t it.

 

James, Lucas and Carlton walk onto the stage

 

Marley: Who the hell are you lot?

 

What are doing in here?

 

 

Lucas; We are three wise men, we followed a star all the way here from lands afar

 

Marley: Followed a star? Doesn’t sound very wise to me

 

Anyway get out, I have just had a babbby

 

Carlton: We  brought gifts

 

Marley: really … what have you got?

 

Lucas: I have brought Gold!

 

Marley: well you can stay then

 

Carlton: I have brought frankincense

 

Marley: Have you got the receipt?

 

Carlton: Umm yeah I should have it somewhere; I never know what to get people

 

James: and I have brought Myrrh

 

Marley: Whats the hell is that?

 

James: Umm dunno lol

 

Sara with a tea towel wrapped around her head enters from stage right

 

Sara: Hi I’m a Shepard, I heard you have had a baby do you want a sheep?

 

Beuford strides onto the stage and stands in front of everyone

 

Beuford: And so the son of god was born, Snoopy changed his name by Deed poll in seventeen a.d to Jesus and trained to be a magician, his most famous feat was cheating death at his much heralded Easter crucifixion spectacular, he also walked on water and invented the moonwalk.

 

The end.

 

Narrator: Many schools now do an updated or slightly different interpretation of this classic bible story and pinnacle of primary school drama. Most of them are dangerously politically correct nonsense, through fear of offending anyone. Being offended is part of everyday life and is a core right of freedom of speech. It is impossible to have a society where nobody will ever be offended.

 

Until next time

 

Take Care You

 

 

Beuford: Thank you ladies and gentlemen, you can buy the unrated directors cut on dvd in the foyer only £10

Carol Singing In HGF

Narrator: Hello children. The festive period is well underway now. Commercial breaks feature nothing but toy adverts, winding children into a point close to breaking. People are bulk buying Cranberry and bread sauce. The antique jar of piccalilli has resurfaced and it is fashionable to graze on nuts, seeds and crackers. Normally this would be derided as greedy but Christmas is a magical time where over indulgence is acceptable and encouraged.

As is door to door busking …

 

 

Carla, wearing socks on her ears and a Christmas hat is stood with her eyes closed singing.

 

 

Carla: … Silent night, holy night …

 

Beuford walks in also wearing a Christmas hat and is carrying a mannequin.

 

Beuford: Hey Carla, can I borrow some of your clothes?

 

Carla: No, you stretched them last time and that game wasn’t as fun as you said it was going to be … Whats that thing for?

 

Beuford: Is that never mentioning it again? Is it? …. And they’re not for me this time.

I have come up with the best idea ever

 

Carla: Your ideas always end in someone getting hurt … normally me

 

Beuford: I would never hurt you … unless it was kind of funny, but anyway nobody is going to get hurt, this is pure 100 percent guaranteed win.

 

Carla: I’m almost afraid to ask, but if you promise nobody is going to get hurt I’ll at least listen to it.

 

Beuford: I promise nobody will get hurt … right you know how you have got it into that sweet little head of yours that the old folks want singing to

 

Carla: (sighs) I take it you mean the carol singing at Happy Green Forest Retirement Home

 

Beuford: Yeah coffin dodgers love a bit of music, so I got to thinking how can carol singing be livened up a bit?

 

Carla: Interpretive Dance!

 

Beuford: What? (shudders) no way dude … but I would get to wear lycra … umm anyway what was I saying? You have thrown my train of thought off

 

Carla: you were on about your plan to liven up the caroling

 

Beuford: Oh yeah course I was, so yeah this time of year has all the best holidays, Halloween, Bonfire night and now Christmas. They cover three of my favourite things. Scaring people, Fire and free stuff.

 

Carla: You’re missing the point on all of those

 

Beuford: Am I? I doubt it, anyway the way I figure it if we combine all of these we will have the best holiday in the history of the animal kingdom

 

Carla: Go on them I’ll humour you what does it all involve?

 

Beuford: Are you ready? Strap in! here it comes!

 

 

(dramatic pause)

 

Trick Or Treat Carol singing

 

Carla: (confused) What?

 

Beuford: Trick or treat carol singing!

 

Carla: no I heard you, just how would this work? We sing and if they don’t give us something we egg there house?

 

Beuford: I knew you would love it!

 

Carla: What! I was joking!  Are you serious? Whats the dummy for then?

 

Beuford: I’m deadly serious about it, its like my life’s work, this is possibly the defining moment in my lifetime. This could go down in the history books along side that bell bloke who invented the telly.

 

And the Mannequin is for the final part, penny for the Christmas guy.

 

Carla: Penny for the what?

 

Beuford: The Christmas guy, we stick a hat on him bit of tinsel, wedge him up a chimney and set fire to him

 

It’s like a plan with out fail.

 

Carla: And we give the money to charity?

 

Beuford: What are you stupid? We buy more eggs with it, you have to speculate to accumulate. I’m thinking as well what with interest rates and what nots a penny for the Christmas guy isn’t right. I’m thinking more a pound fifty NO two pound for the Christmas guy.

 

Carla: There is no way you are doing this to the old folks, we are going there to sing for them because we care.

 

Beuford: But I don’t

 

Carla: Then we’ll do it because I care enough for both of us

 

Now have you been practicing?

 

Beuford: umm yeah of course I have

 

Carla: Well lets hear you then

 

Beuford: Ok …. (loudly ) jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle all the way, oh what fun it is to something something something HEY!

 

Carla: What was that?

 

Beuford: Jingle bells

 

Carla; Well what happened to the rest of it?

 

Beuford: I thought this might come up, Carol singers don’t have to know all the song my dear, just the first few lines or so, long enough for the mugs to answer the door and give us the cash

 

Carla: That’s disgusting, we are going to the old folks home to sing for them not fleece them for small change.

 

Luckily for us I know how you work, you may think I am silly and naïve but I know your game Beuford T Bunny. I have printed off the lyrics to the songs we are going to sing.

 

Now come on we have to get a hop on.

 

Carla walks off leaving a startled and worried looking beuford

 

Beuford: (mumbling) I don’t think you’re silly

 

Carla: What was that?

 

Beuford: Nothing

 

Narrator: Never under estimate the fairer sex boys, you may think you are cock of the walk, but she will know everything that goes on in your mind before you even think it as well most of the time as well.

 

Until next time children.

 

Take care you

 

 

 

Beuford: I love you so much