Santa's Grotty

Narrator: Hello Children, as we start to open the doors of our advent calendars the countdown to the birth of our lord begins in anger. Christmas lists are written, panics are purchased and the bottle of advocaat is dusted off for another unopened holidays. Another part of the build up is of course visiting Santa’s grotto because nothing says Christmas more than encouraging your child to sit on the knee of a strange man wearing a disguise and make demands.

 

 

Benny: (wearing an elf costume and an eye patch) Ok kids! If you’ll just form a line, Santa is almost ready to see you!

 

Beuford: (at the front of the queue) What are you meant to be?

 

Benny: I’m a pirate elf

 

Beuford: Sorry, a what?

 

Benny: A Pirate elf and this is Santa’s magical pirate grotto

 

Beuford: You look like Peter Pan with pink eye

 

Benny: Look kid, I’m an elf, Santa needs his elf’s and you kids love pirates … don’t you?

 

Beuford: Isn’t the plural of Elf, Elves?

 

Benny: (irate) Aren’t you a little old to believe in Santa claws?

 

Beuford: You know and I both know this charade has little to nothing to do with belief in anything

 

Benny: (confused) It doesn’t?

 

Beuford: Nope, its all about stuff

 

Benny: Stuff?

 

Beuford: Yup stuff, getting new cool stuff and as much of it as possible. Most of all its getting this years must have toy, we won’t play with it as it will be passé by the time we get back to school to brag about it, but right now and up until Christmas day, that toy, regardless of what it is the very centre of our existence

 

Benny: Really? What ever happened to the magic of Christmas?

 

Beuford: Magic is for babies, we want stuff

 

Benny: That’s so sad, how can you go through life like that? So cynical and bitter at such a young age

 

Beuford: Two words grandpa, Ironic Detachment.

 

Benny: Sorry what was that?

 

Beuford: Ironic Detachment …

 

People but too much faith in what I say and do, I don’t mean half of it and the rest is mainly for my own amusement

 

Benny: And what about the stuff you do mean?

 

Beuford: Most goes unnoticed or catches people off guard; I like to keep them on their toes.

 

Take Carla, I love that girl to bits; if anybody hurt her I would destroy them, literally.

 

But do I tell her?

 

No.

 

Benny: Why not?

 

Beuford: Things would change, I like the way she sort of wants to hate me and change me but still tries to get me to join in with her stuff anyway.

 

If she knew how I felt she would walk all over me, she would be in charge, I wouldn’t be me and she wouldn’t be her and we would fall apart.

 

You see?

 

Benny: Umm yeah I do, isn’t this all a bit sad? I mean how do you sleep at night knowing most people hate you when you’re not really the person they think you are?

 

Beuford: I sleep like a log and do you know why?

 

Benny: No, go on dazzle me

 

Beuford: Its simple, I don’t care, plain and simple, they can think what they want if they don’t realise the truth that’s their problem not mine.

 

Now can we get on with this I want my free toy

 

Benny: umm yeah sure thing kid, two seconds I’ll just see if he’s ready …

 

Benny runs off to the mouth of a cave and sticks his head inside

 

Ok, kids he’s ready!

 

Narrator: Childhood is so different these days to how it used to be, the age of innocence is no more and the dawn of the tweenager has already risen. Children are smarter and sassier than ever but deep down they are still children, a clown may be derided as lame or sad but a balloon animal will still bring a smile to even the most jaded child.

 

Until next time

 

Take care you

 

Beuford: Santa Claws! It really is you!