Narrator: Hello Children, Its almost Christmas, that magical time of year where all the boys and girls beg for forgiveness for their little indiscretions during the year and hope that Papa Noel turns a blind eye.
Carla and Beuford are sat writing their Christmas lists
Beuford: … Signed Beuford T. Bunny … Right I’m all done, you finished yet wench?
Carla: Don’t call me that you know I don’t like it, yes I have finished.
Shall we go and give them to Snappy so he can send them to the North Pole for us?
Beuford: Yeah, the North pole … lets hear yours first though I want to know how much you have asked for see if I need to stick a bit more onto mine.
Carla: No, It’s a secret, if I tell you he won’t bring me what I have asked for!
Beuford: no,no,no,no it doesn’t work like that, You read me your letter and I’ll check to see if you are asking for stuff that your parents are getting you anyway so you won’t end up with duplicate presents wasting Santa’s precious time
Carla: Oh, well I wouldn’t want to waste his time ….
(Carla clears her throat)
Dear Father Christmas, I have been a very good girl this year, I have got good grades at school and I am nice to my parents and my friends. I gave some of my old toys to the twin trees fund and I volunteer at the Happy Green Forest Retirement Home, I read them stories.
All I really want for Christmas is a new mixing bowl as I accidentally broke my mothers when I was trying to make her a birthday cake.
I promise I will be more careful in the future
Lot of Love Carla Hopkins
Beuford: That’s it?
Carla: (worried) what do you mean that’s it?
Beauford: You are doing it all wrong
Carla: What do you mean? I have asked for the one thing I want
Beuford: But you have ‘fessed up to being naughty and you know what happens to the naughty kids don’t you?
Carla: (really worried) What happens to them?
Beuford: its simple … you been naughty youse getting coal
Carla: (close to tears) But it was an accident
Beuford: Santa doesn’t care if it was or not, you still broke it.. Thus you are on the naughty list. AND he doesn’t like suck ups all that rubbish about the old folks
Carla: I really do that
Beuford: (shocked) Really?
You really do that?
Why?
Carla: It makes me feel good about myself
Beuford: Wrong answer!
Carla: What? Why?
Beuford: Makes you sound selfish, you think Santa is going to give selfish brats nice stuff? Youse is getting coal girl.
And promising to be good in the future? That isn’t going to work all the dude cares about is the past twelve months. You have got to save next years goodness for next year’s letter.
Say do you want me to rewrite it for you?
Carla: Can’t I hear yours first?
Beuford: You can’t copy mine! Copying is cheating; cheating is naughty, naughty gets you coal.
You may as well just accept it now… Say your folks have an open fire least you will be keeping them warm for a bit.
Carla: (sadly) I don’t want coal
Beuford: Course you don’t, nobody does, that’s why it’s reserved for the naughty kids and with my help we can get you back on the right list
Carla: Ok, I guess so
Beuford: Cool, get a pen and write this down …
Dear Santa.
I asked for a bike last year and it was a no show but we’ll let that slide if you dish one out this year ..
Carla: I already have a bike
Beuford: What?
Carla: I said I already have a bike, I don’t need a new one
Beuford: Its doesn’t matter if you do or not, you always have to ask for a bike, its like an unwritten rule or something
Plus you have to ask for something you know you are never going to get first so the thing you really want becomes the reasonable second option.
Carla: I don’t get it
Beuford: Right last year I got an air rifle
Carla: (Sadly) I know you shot my Ken doll
Beuford: He was a rebel spy and a traitor and he was executed for cowardice! … ummmm anyway if I asked for an air rifle straight away there was no way the old dude would have given me one, But as I asked for a top of the range custom built downhill mountain bike first, the air rifle seemed reasonable.
You have to play the game
Carla: I don’t know, it doesn’t feel very Christian tricking father Christmas like this
Beuford: What does Christianity have to do with Christmas anyway!
Carla: Well you know the birth of our lord and …
Beuford: look its simple; you either want Chris Chrimble and presents, or Our Lord and babies in barns
What do you want?
Cool presents or cold boring churches and singing silly songs
Carla: It’s not that simple
Beuford: Yes, yes it is. You can’t have it both ways unless you put Myrrh on your list
Carla: Whats Myrrh?
Beuford: Exactly, now get with the plan and ask for cool expensive stuff, the economy is relying on us
Carla: (confused) What?
Beuford: The economy is in a severe downturn, people aren’t spending enough at the shops and it is our duty to use pester power to kick start it
Carla: But Santa has all of our presents made by his elves
Beuford: yes this is true, but if we ask for bigger and better things the elves have to work longer hours, so then they earn more money and THEN it is the elves money that will kick start the economy.
Carla: Well when you put it like that … I would like a new doll house
Beuford: That’s my girl
Narrator: It wasn’t like this in my day of course children, we were happy with what we got and that wasn’t a lot. We used to get a stocking with an Orange, some nuts and a milkyway in. None of these playstations and violent games one year Father made me a farm set, I used to spend hours ploughing the rug in the parlour, probably still got it in the attic somewhere …
Until next time
Take Care You
Beuford: You’re going to need a new pram as well someone took the wheels off to build a gokart
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