Big Burrow Part 2

Narrator: Welcome back Children, Its time to meet the unfortunates who are going to become briefly famous. Then fade into obscurity only to turn up on low budget game shows and those dreadful nostalgia programs that they insist on airing.

 

Davina: Welcome back! I’m so excited! We have seen the house! Now its time to fill it!

 

Are you ready to meet the first ever happy green forest big burrow housemate?

 

Screams from the small crowd

 

Well here they are!

 

From the right of the stage a large black snake slithers along the walkway, the crowd automatically boos.

A pack of vultures wearing trilbies with press passes hung around their necks vie for attention and take countless pictures, creating a hypnotic strobe effect to the snakes slithering progress.

 

The snake sidles up to Davina who thrusts a mic into its face

 

Davina: Hi! You’re Wendy aren’t you?

 

Wendy: (slight lisp quiet voice) Yes

 

Davina: Wow a snake! Hi Wendy! How does it feel to be the first one to go into the house?

 

Wendy: Its superb, I can’t wait to meet the others!

 

Davina: Ok, one quick question why big burrow?

 

Wendy: (clearly a well rehearsed line) I want to meet new people and learn more about myself

 

Davina: Brilliant!  Now off you go into the house!! Arrrgh I’m so excited!

 

The crowd screams and boos at the same time

 

Wendy makes her way to the door and down into the hall, her progress is shown on the two screens on the bank.

 

Davina (stood watching the screens): Isn’t this amazing? Wow! Look she is actually inside the house! Right where I just was!

 

 

(wing to ear) Oh right, sorry … Its time to meet the next one!

 

 

A small frog hops onto the walkway that is to the left of the stage. The crowd cheers loudly and again the vultures snap away

 

Davina: This is Frenchy! Are you really French?

 

Frenchy: (really aggressive, scouse accent) What I’m a frog so I have got to be French have I?

 

The crowd starts to boo

 

Davina: (backing off a bit) Its just your called Frenchy …

 

Frenchy: Its coz I’m a frog, it’s a nickname innit

 

Davina: Oh wow great! What’s your real name?

 

Frenchy: (reluctantly) Umm its Oliver

 

Davina: Oh wow so Umm in you go oliv… I mean Fenchy

 

The frog hops off into the house, the crowd resume the extra loud cheering

 

Davina: (stood watching the screens again) Ahh look lets see what happens when they meet!

 

Frenchy enters the house and Wendy goes over to meet him

 

Frenchy: Alright I’m Frenchy

 

Wendy: Hi Frenchy … I’m Wendy

 

Frenchy: Well I would shake your hand put you haven’t got any

 

Davina: (engrossed in the screens) That … is  … brilliant!

 

(snapping out of it) Ok are you ready for number three?

 

The crowd cheer

 

A Robin flutters in from the right hand side of the stage

 

Davina: this is carol!

 

Carole: hiya! That’s with an e on the end mind

 

Davina: umm ok this is Carole!

 

The crowd cheer

 

Carole: hiya!

 

Davina: So Carol with an e, why do you want to be in big burrow?

 

Carole: Well my mum is sick and I have to look after her, but she has always believed in me so I am doing this for her!

 

Davina: aaaaah Bless you.

 

Right lets get you in there!

 

Carole flutters off into the house

 

Davina: Lets get another one in there!

 

And how about some class and sophistication?

 

The crowd cheers

 

A fox wearing a red velvet hunting jacket and white gloves saunters on from stage left

 

The crowd boo and hiss

 

The fox acts oblivious

 

Lord Dennis Reynard: (holding Davinas hand lightly kissing it) (in a smooth upperclass accent) Well hello Davina it’s a pleasure to meet you

 

Davina: (all giggly) ooh hahaha (trying to compose herself) you are Lord Dennis Reynard aren’t you?

 

Lord Dennis: oh please such formalities are so vulgar, please call me Dennis

 

Davina: so umm Dennis, why are you doing this?

 

Dennis: We get such terrible bad press

 

Davina: You mean Foxes?

 

Dennis: Well yes, foxes and the peers you never hear a good news story about either, even more so when one is both. So I am going to try and readdress the situation

 

Davina: Well good luck! Get in there!

 

Lets hear it for Lord Dennis!!

 

The crowd boo

 

Lord Dennis gives a regal wave and trots into the house

 

Davina: Lets see what’s going on in there!

 

 

Carole, Frenchy and Wendy are all talking in the living area

 

 

Carole: …. And I have to look after her so I’m doing it for her, I have been singing ever since I was in the nest, I’m a natural born entertainer

 

The main door opens and Dennis enters.

 

Frenchy: Are you kidding me? You’re a fox aint ya!

 

Dennis: Yes quite and you appear to be a frog, (to wendy) you are a snake (to carole) and you of course are a robin.

Now we have the species definitions out of the way how about some introductions?

 

I am Dennis, pleased to meet you (offering a paw to frenchy)

 

Frenchy: (reluctantly shaking hands) alright I’m Frenchy

 

Dennis: You don’t sound French pleasure to meet you

 

Frenchy: (snatching his hand away) Aii real pleasure to meet you n’all

 

 Carole: Hiya Dennis I’m Carole never thought Foxes were ones for singing really

 

Dennis: Carole.. That’s with an E isn’t it? I’m not much of a singer myself but I have been known to join in around the piano on special occasions.

 

Wendy: And I’m Wendy

 

Dennis: well hello Wendy I think we are going to be allies don’t you?

 

Wendy: (smiling) yes I think it looks that way

 

Back to Davina who is stood spellbound looking at the screens

 

Davina: Isn’t this amazing? Shall we get a few more in?

 

Crowd cheers

 

Lets give it up for Helena, Debbie and Cynthia!

 

An owl swoops in from the left and a Parrot flies in from the right while a Salamander scurries in from the left.

 

Davina: (giddy at having all these people at once) Wow! Ok Helena (the owl) you’re a teacher yes?

 

Helena: (in a soft warm voice) Yes I teach English at happy green forest high (small section of the crowd cheers loudly)

 

Davina: Aaaw looks like you have brought your fan club!

 

(to the parrot) so ummm Debbie? You’re a parrot, yay!

 

Debbie: I’m Debbie and I’m a parrot! Yay!

 

Davina: Brilliant!

 

Debbie: Brilliant!

 

Davina: And you must be Cynthia then!

 

Cynthia: (speaking fast) Yeah I’m Cynthia, this is awesome can’t believe I’m on the telly

 

Davina: I know isn’t it great?!

 

Right in you go all of you!

 

The three animals all vanish into the burrow

 

Davina: And that leaves three!

 

Lets meet Montgomery!

 

A mole slowly plods on from the left of the stage. The crowd laughs

 

Davina: Hi Montgomery!

 

Monty: (speaking really slowly) please call me Monty, lifes to short for full names

 

Davina: Awww bless! How old are you Monty?

 

Monty: I’m twenty three years old

 

Davina: Awww bless, well do you need a hand to get in?

 

Monty: no no don’t trouble yourself I’ll get there in the end

 

Davina: right so while he is on his way lets meet Simon!

 

A squirrel comes running from stage right pumping his arms in the air

 

The crowd boo

 

Simon: Whatever I’m on the telly and you’re not you losers

 

The booing grows louder

 

Simon cups a hand to his ear

 

Davina: Wow you’re feisty!

 

Simon: Damn right lets just get me in there so I can liven things up eh?

 

Simon struts off

 

Davina: Wow, confident or what!

 

(Gets closer to the camera) Sooo that leaves just one …..

 

(Steps back) ladies and Gentlemen iiits Hector

 

A nervous looking wallaby hops on from the left

 

Hector: (Australian accent) Y’alright?

 

Davina: Wow! A Wallaby! So we flew you in all the way from Australia how are you liking it so far?

 

Hector: Well I have been holed up the last few days and I’m still a little jet lagged but yeah it looks nice enough

 

Davina: That’s great! So In you go!

 

Hector: Yeah no worries

 

Hector hops off somewhat reluctantly

 

Davina: So that them all in, what a bunch!  The next eight weeks are going to be mental! I’m sure there is going to be all sorts going on.

You can catch the live feed on HGFTV 2 right now; I’ll be back tomorrow night with the highlights and coming up next is the secret lives of Squid

I’m Davina Macaw this is Big Burrow

 

Good night

 

Narrator: Well children there you are eleven more people desperately trying to find fame. Still at least with this one the claims that there is a mole in the house are substantiated.

 

Until next time

 

Take care you

 

Davina: Eleven? There is only ten in the house! Who is the other one?

Big Burrow

Narrator: Reality Television shows are all the rage these days, even though the reality part is fast vanishing into the distance.  As a psychological experiment and a human goldfish bowl Big Brother used to work, but the more shocks and twists that are introduced the less viewable the show becomes.

Here in happy green forest they are airing their own unique version … Big Burrow …..

 

 

Stood in front of a massive manmade bank with a vault like door embedded into it a large Macaw is talking into a television camera, wielded as ever by weasels.

There is a meager crowd of different animals spread out to look much bigger. Some are sporting banners, the biggest of which says “the people behind me can’t see”

There are two massive screens on the bank that are showing the excitable Macaw in extreme close up.

 

 

Davina Macaw: (constantly shouting, stood way too close to the camera) Hello! They said it would never happen! Ten different animals, five male, five female, one burrow and three hundred cameras! Welcome to Big Burrow!

 

 

Shouting and cheering from the crowd, a lot louder than such a small crowd should produce. A brief dance track theme tune plays.

 

Davina: hi! I’m so excited! Right, behind that door is the Big Burrow house it has been dug out by specially trained rabbits and fitted with the most amazing gadgets you could ever wish for! Shall we go and have a look?

 

Cheers from the crowd, again louder than they should be.

Davina walks towards the vault door that opens automatically with a theatrical and totally unnecessary plume of dry ice.

 

Davina: (to the camera) come on! Let’s go have a peek! I’m so excited!

 

Davina and the weasels walk down into the burrow

 

Davina: (walking down some steps) This is the entrance and of course exit hall, and this (stood at another vault door) is the front door … once this is sealed later on tonight it will only open to let people out once you (pointing into the camera) the viewers … at home … have voted.

 

The door opens in the same over the top style as the last one, Davina and the weasels walk into a large open plan living, kitchen and dining area. There are four doors, two glass, to the bedrooms, one patio to the garden and another vault style one.  There are mirrors everywhere and basic cctv cameras hung from the roof.

 

 

Davina: How amazing is this? Look they have a cooker! (Running over to the kitchen area, causing the weasels to give chase and wobble the camera wildly) this is where all the meals will be prepared! And look over here (running to a long dining table, with the same result for the weasels as before) this is where they will all eat! And over here (running to the one bedroom door, again the weasels follow with the erratic camera shots) this is where they will sleep! This is so exciting! I haven’t seen any of this before now!

 

Davina slides the door open and charges inside. The bedroom is sparse there are five single beds each with a bedside cabinet and small wardrobe by them. The back wall is dominated by a large mirror and there is a door on the far wall.

 

Davina: Don’t they just look divine! And over here is the bathroom … I have heard brilliant things about this! Follow me!

 

Davina jumps onto one bed and hops from one to another until she is at the door, the weasels do exactly the same leaving the freshly made beds in disarray. Davina bangs the door to the ensuite bathroom open and charges in.

 

Davina: Wow! Look at this (grabing the front of the camera and jerking it around) look at that bath! (jumping into what is essentially a small indoor swimming pool) and look at the showers! (jumping out of the bath and running into a shower block, miming taking a shower)  

 

And this.. (At another door on the opposite end on the room) Is the other bedroom!

 

Davina rushes into an identical bedroom

 

Davina: (confused) Ooh they are the same? … anyway lets have a look at the garden!

 

Davina again hops across the beds and back out in the main house area and runs to a large set of screen doors.

That leads onto the spacious, garden, enclosed by high almost vertical mud banks. In the garden there is a barbeque, a tree (for any avian house mates to perch on) some rocks to lounge in the sun on and a pool. There are more cctv cameras outside

 

Davina: (out of breathe and pressing her beak against the clean glass leaving smudges) would you look at that! Isn’t it amazing!

 

We can’t go out there as we are running short of time … so let’s look at the diary room!

 

(Davina and the weasels race across to the remaining vault style door, there is a large red button on it that Davina hits with a bit too much gusto.

 

The button flashes green and the door opens automatically, revealing a beanbag in front of a camcorder and a boom mic hung from the ceiling. This room is painfully small.

 

Davina dives onto the beanbag and the weasels cram inside

 

 

Davina: (dramatic yet loud whisper) and this is where the housemates will reveal their deepest darkest thoughts, expect tears! expect joy! … expect the unexpected! This is also where they will nominate their fellow housemates so look out! This is the centre of all the forthcoming drama!

 

I’m so excited!

 

We’ll start to meet the housemates after this short break!

 

A snippet of the theme tune plays again

 

Narrator: You know what Children? Reality TV is a blight on our viewing schedules, its is a cheap and easy format to reproduce as there is always going to be a constant stream of fame hungry half wits out there willing to cheapen themselves for cold hard cash.

 

But I have to admit I am ever so excited about this one!

 

Take care you.

 

Davina: I’m so excited!

Happy Green Forest Working Mens Club

Narrator: Hello children, today in Happy Green Forest we meet some new feathered friends, learn the origin of an old saying and that while beauty may well be skin deep it still is the eye of the beholder.

 

In a corner of the waterhole a large group of birds are having a meeting; a duck with reading glasses perched on his beak is centre stage.

 

Drake (the duck, in a slightly nervous voice) : Thank you all for coming, Its nice to see some new faces and not quite so nice to see some of the older ones  (nervous chuckle)  For the new ones welcome to the Feathered League Of Collected Knowledge or … flock, yes, yes, yes you really can’t beat a good acronym can you

 

Ummm what we try to do here is keep a Robin Red … breast (collective groan) of things that concern us, the feathered citizens of this fine forest of ours.

 

We used to look after the needs of just the flight enabled members of our community but in these times of equal ops and what nots we now also cater for the handiflapped amongst us.

 

Oh and we also look after Coots ….

 

Umm, right first things first before we open the floor … as you know the happy green forest show is fast approaching and we have yet to decide on what we are contributing to it …

 

I know a few of the younger members don’t agree we me but I still feel the red sparrows put on a terrific show that appeals to all ages …

 

Wallace Woodpecker: (butting in) With all due respect Mr. speaker we put them on every single year, and while I may not exactly be the voice of youth I feel it is a time for change … I hear the Housemartins have reformed how about some musical entertainment?

 

Homer: ( a pigeon with a plumy voice) What about a historical fly by? My great grandfather Melchett was a carrier in the war …..

 

Wallace: (mimicking Homer to perfection) …And then he said but you can’t shoot me I’m just the messenger, hence the phrase don’t shoot the messenger. (back to his normal voice) Yes we know Homer you somehow manage to wrangle that story in every month. What about a beauty parade? There are some promising looking cygnets about at the moment and the other day I saw some cracking tits

 

Harry: (a tall thin Heron) I bet you did you sly old dog, what about young Dawn Swan? She should be back on her feet by then

 

Homer: I don’t know aren’t Swans a bit ….

 

A bit …

 

(looking around to see if there any present)

 

Common?

 

Harry: Common? They are right posh!

 

Homer: But they’re not! They like you to think they are but really look at them a bit closer and they aren’t anything special … nothing more than a bit of a rubbish goose really

 

Harry: This coming from a sky rat!

 

Drake: (shouting) Order, order! I will not have this meeting descend into petty arguments and name calling

 

(calmer) so the red sparrows it is then?

 

Does anybody have any issues they want to raise?

 

Calvin: (a coal tit in a Northern accent) I don’t know about anyone else but I have had enough of the squirrels emptying and breaking the feeders

 

(mutter of approval from various birds)

 

I know its coming up to winter but the feeders are put out for us not them.

 

Drake: This is a valid point … now there are numerous squirrel proof tables around do you all know where they are? Maybe if you use those and not rely on the feeders …

 

 

Calvin: (interrupting) A lot of those are no go areas due to the Magpies! And I don’t mean to be offensive and I’m sorry to any Magpies present but the way they all hang around in gangs always mucking about, all loud and threatening

 

I mean ….

 

I mean

 

Look at Cock Robin!

 

Drake: (interrupting)  I didn’t think it was never proven who shot cock robin was it?

 

Now is there anything else?

 

Sam : ( a sparrow) I don’t know if its been mentioned but our archery club has been disbanded due to Cock Robins tragic death. The magpies may have a bad name around here but it wasn’t there fault

 

Drake: Thank you Sam now back to the feeders … I hope I don’t need to repeat the previous warnings about the dangers of bread do I? This of course goes double for the ground feeders ….

 

Homer: But its all we get in some places!

 

Drake: Homer …. I have seen some of your city cousins eat all sorts, try growing up on a pond and then come to me complaining about it.

 

Wallace: Yes, yes Drake we all know your upbringing … I don’t know why we don’t just stop relying on handouts and learn to perch on our two feet again, there are plenty of grubs about and …

 

Calvin: I have seen you at the nuts lad

 

Wallace: What? Oh no I don’t think so

 

Calvin: Oh I think so, over at Miggins’ place you act all bold as brass and noble but you are no better than the rest of us

 

Wallace: I was simply passing by and …

 

Calvin: Get over yourself; you love a free meal as much as the rest of us

 

Drake: (frustrated) Order please!

 

Calvin: Right, I think we’re done here lads don’t you?

 

Calvin gets up and leaves, the rest of the birds start to follow suit

 

Drake: Come of folks! It doesn’t have to be like this! Same time next month? Remember about the bread! And watch out for lead weights if you’re by the lake!

 

Harry: (to drake) I’m sorry chap, I know you mean well but they are just too flighty ….

 

Narrator: See children, harmony doesn’t come easily and there is a reason a group of ravens are called a parliament, our very own government is based upon their original idea. It is also worth noting that a gathering of crows is called a murder and the two birds are very close relations.

Remember bread is almost nutritionally void it is not just man who can not live by bread alone. Ducks like cornflakes and most garden birds adore sunflower hearts.

Take care you.

 

Drake: flighty! I get it now