Narrator: Welcome back Children, Its time to meet the unfortunates who are going to become briefly famous. Then fade into obscurity only to turn up on low budget game shows and those dreadful nostalgia programs that they insist on airing.
Davina: Welcome back! I’m so excited! We have seen the house! Now its time to fill it!
Are you ready to meet the first ever happy green forest big burrow housemate?
Screams from the small crowd
Well here they are!
From the right of the stage a large black snake slithers along the walkway, the crowd automatically boos.
A pack of vultures wearing trilbies with press passes hung around their necks vie for attention and take countless pictures, creating a hypnotic strobe effect to the snakes slithering progress.
The snake sidles up to Davina who thrusts a mic into its face
Davina: Hi! You’re Wendy aren’t you?
Wendy: (slight lisp quiet voice) Yes
Davina: Wow a snake! Hi Wendy! How does it feel to be the first one to go into the house?
Wendy: Its superb, I can’t wait to meet the others!
Davina: Ok, one quick question why big burrow?
Wendy: (clearly a well rehearsed line) I want to meet new people and learn more about myself
Davina: Brilliant! Now off you go into the house!! Arrrgh I’m so excited!
The crowd screams and boos at the same time
Wendy makes her way to the door and down into the hall, her progress is shown on the two screens on the bank.
Davina (stood watching the screens): Isn’t this amazing? Wow! Look she is actually inside the house! Right where I just was!
(wing to ear) Oh right, sorry … Its time to meet the next one!
A small frog hops onto the walkway that is to the left of the stage. The crowd cheers loudly and again the vultures snap away
Davina: This is Frenchy! Are you really French?
Frenchy: (really aggressive, scouse accent) What I’m a frog so I have got to be French have I?
The crowd starts to boo
Davina: (backing off a bit) Its just your called Frenchy …
Frenchy: Its coz I’m a frog, it’s a nickname innit
Davina: Oh wow great! What’s your real name?
Frenchy: (reluctantly) Umm its Oliver
Davina: Oh wow so Umm in you go oliv… I mean Fenchy
The frog hops off into the house, the crowd resume the extra loud cheering
Davina: (stood watching the screens again) Ahh look lets see what happens when they meet!
Frenchy enters the house and Wendy goes over to meet him
Frenchy: Alright I’m Frenchy
Wendy: Hi Frenchy … I’m Wendy
Frenchy: Well I would shake your hand put you haven’t got any
Davina: (engrossed in the screens) That … is … brilliant!
(snapping out of it) Ok are you ready for number three?
The crowd cheer
A Robin flutters in from the right hand side of the stage
Davina: this is carol!
Carole: hiya! That’s with an e on the end mind
Davina: umm ok this is Carole!
The crowd cheer
Carole: hiya!
Davina: So Carol with an e, why do you want to be in big burrow?
Carole: Well my mum is sick and I have to look after her, but she has always believed in me so I am doing this for her!
Davina: aaaaah Bless you.
Right lets get you in there!
Carole flutters off into the house
Davina: Lets get another one in there!
And how about some class and sophistication?
The crowd cheers
A fox wearing a red velvet hunting jacket and white gloves saunters on from stage left
The crowd boo and hiss
The fox acts oblivious
Lord Dennis Reynard: (holding Davinas hand lightly kissing it) (in a smooth upperclass accent) Well hello Davina it’s a pleasure to meet you
Davina: (all giggly) ooh hahaha (trying to compose herself) you are Lord Dennis Reynard aren’t you?
Lord Dennis: oh please such formalities are so vulgar, please call me Dennis
Davina: so umm Dennis, why are you doing this?
Dennis: We get such terrible bad press
Davina: You mean Foxes?
Dennis: Well yes, foxes and the peers you never hear a good news story about either, even more so when one is both. So I am going to try and readdress the situation
Davina: Well good luck! Get in there!
Lets hear it for Lord Dennis!!
The crowd boo
Lord Dennis gives a regal wave and trots into the house
Davina: Lets see what’s going on in there!
Carole, Frenchy and Wendy are all talking in the living area
Carole: …. And I have to look after her so I’m doing it for her, I have been singing ever since I was in the nest, I’m a natural born entertainer
The main door opens and Dennis enters.
Frenchy: Are you kidding me? You’re a fox aint ya!
Dennis: Yes quite and you appear to be a frog, (to wendy) you are a snake (to carole) and you of course are a robin.
Now we have the species definitions out of the way how about some introductions?
I am Dennis, pleased to meet you (offering a paw to frenchy)
Frenchy: (reluctantly shaking hands) alright I’m Frenchy
Dennis: You don’t sound French pleasure to meet you
Frenchy: (snatching his hand away) Aii real pleasure to meet you n’all
Carole: Hiya Dennis I’m Carole never thought Foxes were ones for singing really
Dennis: Carole.. That’s with an E isn’t it? I’m not much of a singer myself but I have been known to join in around the piano on special occasions.
Wendy: And I’m Wendy
Dennis: well hello Wendy I think we are going to be allies don’t you?
Wendy: (smiling) yes I think it looks that way
Back to Davina who is stood spellbound looking at the screens
Davina: Isn’t this amazing? Shall we get a few more in?
Crowd cheers
Lets give it up for Helena, Debbie and Cynthia!
An owl swoops in from the left and a Parrot flies in from the right while a Salamander scurries in from the left.
Davina: (giddy at having all these people at once) Wow! Ok Helena (the owl) you’re a teacher yes?
Helena: (in a soft warm voice) Yes I teach English at happy green forest high (small section of the crowd cheers loudly)
Davina: Aaaw looks like you have brought your fan club!
(to the parrot) so ummm Debbie? You’re a parrot, yay!
Debbie: I’m Debbie and I’m a parrot! Yay!
Davina: Brilliant!
Debbie: Brilliant!
Davina: And you must be Cynthia then!
Cynthia: (speaking fast) Yeah I’m Cynthia, this is awesome can’t believe I’m on the telly
Davina: I know isn’t it great?!
Right in you go all of you!
The three animals all vanish into the burrow
Davina: And that leaves three!
Lets meet Montgomery!
A mole slowly plods on from the left of the stage. The crowd laughs
Davina: Hi Montgomery!
Monty: (speaking really slowly) please call me Monty, lifes to short for full names
Davina: Awww bless! How old are you Monty?
Monty: I’m twenty three years old
Davina: Awww bless, well do you need a hand to get in?
Monty: no no don’t trouble yourself I’ll get there in the end
Davina: right so while he is on his way lets meet Simon!
A squirrel comes running from stage right pumping his arms in the air
The crowd boo
Simon: Whatever I’m on the telly and you’re not you losers
The booing grows louder
Simon cups a hand to his ear
Davina: Wow you’re feisty!
Simon: Damn right lets just get me in there so I can liven things up eh?
Simon struts off
Davina: Wow, confident or what!
(Gets closer to the camera) Sooo that leaves just one …..
(Steps back) ladies and Gentlemen iiits Hector
A nervous looking wallaby hops on from the left
Hector: (Australian accent) Y’alright?
Davina: Wow! A Wallaby! So we flew you in all the way from Australia how are you liking it so far?
Hector: Well I have been holed up the last few days and I’m still a little jet lagged but yeah it looks nice enough
Davina: That’s great! So In you go!
Hector: Yeah no worries
Hector hops off somewhat reluctantly
Davina: So that them all in, what a bunch! The next eight weeks are going to be mental! I’m sure there is going to be all sorts going on.
You can catch the live feed on HGFTV 2 right now; I’ll be back tomorrow night with the highlights and coming up next is the secret lives of Squid
I’m Davina Macaw this is Big Burrow
Good night
Narrator: Well children there you are eleven more people desperately trying to find fame. Still at least with this one the claims that there is a mole in the house are substantiated.
Until next time
Take care you
Davina: Eleven? There is only ten in the house! Who is the other one?
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