Christmas In Happy Green Forest

Narrator: Hello Children, Its almost Christmas, that magical time of year where all the boys and girls beg for forgiveness for their little indiscretions during the year and hope that Papa Noel turns a blind eye.

 

Carla and Beuford are sat writing their Christmas lists

 

Beuford: … Signed Beuford T. Bunny … Right I’m all done, you finished yet wench?

 

Carla: Don’t call me that you know I don’t like it, yes I have finished.

Shall we go and give them to Snappy so he can send them to the North Pole for us?

 

Beuford: Yeah, the North pole … lets hear yours first though I want to know how much you have asked for see if I need to stick a bit more onto mine.

 

Carla: No, It’s a secret, if I tell you he won’t bring me what I have asked for!

 

Beuford: no,no,no,no it doesn’t work like that, You read me your letter and I’ll check to see if you are asking for stuff that your parents are getting you anyway so you won’t end up with duplicate presents wasting Santa’s precious time

 

Carla: Oh, well I wouldn’t want to waste his time ….

 

(Carla clears her throat)

 

 Dear Father Christmas, I have been a very good girl this year, I have got good grades at school and I am nice to my parents and my friends. I gave some of my old toys to the twin trees fund and I volunteer at the Happy Green Forest Retirement Home, I read them stories.

 

All I really want for Christmas is a new mixing bowl as I accidentally broke my mothers when I was trying to make her a birthday cake.

 

I promise I will be more careful in the future

 

Lot of Love Carla Hopkins

 

Beuford: That’s it?

 

Carla: (worried) what do you mean that’s it?

 

Beauford: You are doing it all wrong

 

Carla: What do you mean? I have asked for the one thing I want

 

Beuford: But you have ‘fessed up to being naughty and you know what happens to the naughty kids don’t you?

 

Carla: (really worried) What happens to them?

 

Beuford: its simple … you been naughty youse getting coal

 

Carla: (close to tears) But it was an accident

 

Beuford: Santa doesn’t care if it was or not, you still broke it.. Thus you are on the naughty list. AND he doesn’t like suck ups all that rubbish about the old folks

 

Carla: I really do that

 

Beuford: (shocked) Really?

 

You really do that?

 

Why?

 

Carla: It makes me feel good about myself

 

Beuford:  Wrong answer!

 

Carla: What? Why?

 

Beuford: Makes you sound selfish, you think Santa is going to give selfish brats nice stuff? Youse is getting coal girl.

 

And promising to be good in the future? That isn’t going to work all the dude cares about is the past twelve months. You have got to save next years goodness for next year’s letter.

 

Say do you want me to rewrite it for you?

 

Carla: Can’t I hear yours first?

 

Beuford: You can’t copy mine! Copying is cheating; cheating is naughty, naughty gets you coal.

You may as well just accept it now… Say your folks have an open fire least you will be keeping them warm for a bit.

 

Carla: (sadly) I don’t want coal

 

Beuford: Course you don’t, nobody does, that’s why it’s reserved for the naughty kids and with my help we can get you back on the right list

 

Carla: Ok, I guess so

 

Beuford: Cool, get a pen and write this down …

 

Dear Santa.

 

I asked for a bike last year and it was a no show but we’ll let that slide if you dish one out this year ..

 

Carla: I already have a bike

 

Beuford: What?

 

Carla: I said I already have a bike, I don’t need a new one

 

Beuford: Its doesn’t matter if you do or not, you always have to ask for a bike, its like an unwritten rule or something

 

Plus you have to ask for something you know you are never going to get first so the thing you really want becomes the reasonable second option.

 

Carla: I don’t get it

 

Beuford: Right last year I got an air rifle

 

Carla: (Sadly) I know you shot my Ken doll

 

Beuford: He was a rebel spy and a traitor and he was executed for cowardice! … ummmm anyway if I asked for an air rifle straight away there was no way the old dude would have given me one, But as I asked for a top of the range custom built downhill mountain bike first, the air rifle seemed reasonable.

 

You have to play the game

 

Carla: I don’t know, it doesn’t feel very Christian tricking father Christmas like this

 

Beuford: What does Christianity have to do with Christmas anyway!

 

Carla: Well you know the birth of our lord and …

 

Beuford:  look its simple; you either want Chris Chrimble and presents, or Our Lord and babies in barns

 

What do you want?

 

Cool presents or cold boring churches and singing silly songs

 

Carla: It’s not that simple

 

Beuford: Yes, yes it is. You can’t have it both ways unless you put Myrrh on your list

 

Carla: Whats Myrrh?

 

Beuford: Exactly, now get with the plan and ask for cool expensive stuff, the economy is relying on us

 

Carla: (confused) What?

 

Beuford: The economy is in a severe downturn, people aren’t spending enough at the shops and it is our duty to use pester power to kick start it

 

Carla: But Santa has all of our presents made by his elves

 

Beuford: yes this is true, but if we ask for bigger and better things the elves have to work longer hours, so then they earn more money and THEN it is the elves money that will kick start the economy.

 

Carla: Well when you put it like that … I would like a new doll house

 

Beuford: That’s my girl

 

Narrator: It wasn’t like this in my day of course children, we were happy with what we got and that wasn’t a lot. We used to get a stocking with an Orange, some nuts and a milkyway in. None of these playstations and violent games one year Father made me a farm set, I used to spend hours ploughing the rug in the parlour, probably still got it in the attic somewhere …

 

Until next time

 

Take Care You

 

Beuford: You’re going to need a new pram as well someone took the wheels off to build a gokart

FFFAD

Narrator: Hello Children, stress is a funny thing, a very modern thing as well.

I think it’s down to the unnecessary urgency we all seem to eagerly stamp onto our lives; before we lived in this twenty four hour ordering, next day delivery world people were far happier with their lot in life.

I suggest a return to the good old days, no shops open on Sundays and half day closing on Thursdays. Give people some time back to relax and enjoy themselves. For as we are about to see stress effects all in different ways…

 

A wide eyed rabbit is stood in front of a group of animals in a crowded room.

 

Alex: (loudly with a big grin) Gentlemen welcome to FFFAD, Forest Friends For Anarchy and Destruction

 

All of us are here for a reason, all of our reasons are different and yet they still unite us

 

Are you bored of rhetoric?

 

Tired of exhaustion?

 

Saddened with depression?

 

If you have answered yes to any or all of these questions then this is the place for you!

 

Gary Three Toes: (excitedly) Tell ‘em about the rules core…. I mean Alex

 

Alex: oh yeah … (clears throat)

 

The first rule of FFFAD Club IS

 

(dramatic pause)

 

Can we stack the chairs after we have finished, at the back of the room as its playgroup in the morning

 

The second rule of FFFAD Club is can we stack the chairs after we have … oh wait no I just read that one didn’t I?

 

The second rule of FFFAD club is no shoes or socks, someone, mentioning no names Mr. Coaltit, wore trainers last week and left black scuff marks everywhere, if it happens again we WILL be billed

 

If this is your first week at FFFAD.. Can you please go to the back and register with Snappy there, we don’t ask for a registration fee but all donations are more than welcome, the photocopying doesn’t do itself you know.

 

Right as it’s our mission to spread anarchy and destruction into people’s lives I think it’s about time for our first assignment, don’t you?

 

(Cheers from the crowd)

 

On your way out you will be given a piece of paper with a phone number on it

 

This phone number is the eviction line for “lord” Dennis in big burrow

 

His outdated hierarchic views are not welcome anymore, he is not part of my, our vision for the new world

 

Take this number and ring it as many times as you can before the lines close on Friday night, calls after the lines have closed won’t count and may still be charged, calls cost twenty five pence from a landline with fourteen pence going to charity, the cost for calls from mobiles will vary

 

Do not let anyone else see this piece of paper and after the lines have closed, eat it.

Its actually rice paper and the ink is icing so it’s not as drastic as it sounds

 

Right, I think we are done here

 

Any queries, any questions any problems?

 

Ronnie: (raised hand) Umm I ate my paper already

 

Alex: No you haven’t we haven’t dished them out yet, but bonus points for honesty champ!

 

Ok now go my pretties and do my, our bidding!

 

(the crowd start to filter out each taking a bit of paper from Calvin)

 

Narrator: Fixing so called reality TV shows for any purpose, is a pointless act as it brings more attention to them and only serves to add more false importance to them. In a world when more people vote on the telly than in the political process the age of the idiot is fast approaching.

 

Until next time children

 

Take care you

 

Alex: mmm people, I think you are forgetting the first rule of FFAD!

FFFADS

Narrator: Hello children, the times they are a changing. People no longer have to suffer personal anguish on their own as there are all sorts of magnificent support groups you can join to air and share your pain.

 

 

In a small room a group of animals are all seated in a semi circle  a rabbit that is stood in front of them.

 

Corey: (in a very soft cheery voice) hello everybody I’m Corey and I am to help all you brave souls who have come here to FFFADS, that’s Forest Friends Fighting Anger Depression and Sadness! Yay!

 

Now shall we start with a song?

 

Iiiiiiif you’re happy and you know it clap your hands…..

 

(Complete silence)

 

 

(Dejected) Ok maybe not

 

Right shall we start with the introductions from left to right just shout out and tell us all who you are and why you are here, come on now don’t be shy!

 

Gary Three Toes: (wearing a sticker with Sheldon written on it and then crossed out and Gary written below it)  Hi I’m Sheldon… I mean Gary and I’m just not comfortable in my own shell … I mean fur

 

Corey: And why do you think this is Gary?

 

Gary: I was born a Tortoise and didn’t fit in, now I’m a Sloth (starts to cry)  I have got patchy fur and I don’t fit in, I’m sorry it’s the hormones they are all over the place ….

 

(big heaving sobs)

 

I don’t know what I am!

 

 

Corey: You are Gary, that’s all that’s important your species doesn’t matter to us

 

Gary: (shouting and wailing) It matters to me! I wanted to be a tur … tle

 

Corey: Sorry what was that?

 

Gary: (still sobbing) A Turtle! But I left it too late and now I’m a rubbish slow monkey

 

(big sob)

 

 With a stupid face

 

 

Corey: hey! Come on now Sloths aren’t monkeys and you don’t have a stupid face at all, sloths are cool, you are cool! Look at you with your … ummm three toes!

 

Gary: I want to have …. Flippers

 

Corey: (getting nervous) Nobody really wants flippers, sure they are good in the water but look at how slow they are on land

 

Gary: (really upset) I’m so slow I go mouldy

 

Snappy: (further down the line) Listen kid, being a turtle aint all its cracked up to be, trust me, nobody wants to employ you, I ended up on a scheme and now I deliver the mail and I can’t even do that right (starts crying)

 

Corey: (distressed) now, now people lets try and calm down a bit we are here to talk

 

Calvin: Listen pal, don’t tell them to calm down or you’ll have me to answer to

 

Snappy: (sobbing) I want to be the milkman

 

Corey: (slowly sitting down on the floor) does anybody have a paper bag? I think I’m hyper ventilating

 

Calvin: Some use you are pal, youse need some sense knocking into you, you all do, all soft in the head like. I wanted to be a magpie when I grew up but I’m too small so I’m a coaltit but you don’t hear me moaning about it do ya?

 

Corey: (panicky) Its going dark … mother are you there?

 

Calvin: (close to tears) All I ever wanted was to be like me brothers ….

 

Gary: (still sobbing) I want my shell back

 

Calvin: (crying) One for …(sob) Sorrow,  Two for … (heaving sob) joy

 

 

Narrator: See children support groups are the way forward, they bring together like minded people and release all of their pent up emotions. Of course from time to time this can go horribly, horribly wrong and you end up with underground bare knuckle boxing clubs that become terrorist factions but we can’t have everything can we?

 

Until next time

 

Take Care You

 

Corey: You are not your shell, you are not your job, you are not your black and white plummage