Big Burrow

Narrator: Reality Television shows are all the rage these days, even though the reality part is fast vanishing into the distance.  As a psychological experiment and a human goldfish bowl Big Brother used to work, but the more shocks and twists that are introduced the less viewable the show becomes.

Here in happy green forest they are airing their own unique version … Big Burrow …..

 

 

Stood in front of a massive manmade bank with a vault like door embedded into it a large Macaw is talking into a television camera, wielded as ever by weasels.

There is a meager crowd of different animals spread out to look much bigger. Some are sporting banners, the biggest of which says “the people behind me can’t see”

There are two massive screens on the bank that are showing the excitable Macaw in extreme close up.

 

 

Davina Macaw: (constantly shouting, stood way too close to the camera) Hello! They said it would never happen! Ten different animals, five male, five female, one burrow and three hundred cameras! Welcome to Big Burrow!

 

 

Shouting and cheering from the crowd, a lot louder than such a small crowd should produce. A brief dance track theme tune plays.

 

Davina: hi! I’m so excited! Right, behind that door is the Big Burrow house it has been dug out by specially trained rabbits and fitted with the most amazing gadgets you could ever wish for! Shall we go and have a look?

 

Cheers from the crowd, again louder than they should be.

Davina walks towards the vault door that opens automatically with a theatrical and totally unnecessary plume of dry ice.

 

Davina: (to the camera) come on! Let’s go have a peek! I’m so excited!

 

Davina and the weasels walk down into the burrow

 

Davina: (walking down some steps) This is the entrance and of course exit hall, and this (stood at another vault door) is the front door … once this is sealed later on tonight it will only open to let people out once you (pointing into the camera) the viewers … at home … have voted.

 

The door opens in the same over the top style as the last one, Davina and the weasels walk into a large open plan living, kitchen and dining area. There are four doors, two glass, to the bedrooms, one patio to the garden and another vault style one.  There are mirrors everywhere and basic cctv cameras hung from the roof.

 

 

Davina: How amazing is this? Look they have a cooker! (Running over to the kitchen area, causing the weasels to give chase and wobble the camera wildly) this is where all the meals will be prepared! And look over here (running to a long dining table, with the same result for the weasels as before) this is where they will all eat! And over here (running to the one bedroom door, again the weasels follow with the erratic camera shots) this is where they will sleep! This is so exciting! I haven’t seen any of this before now!

 

Davina slides the door open and charges inside. The bedroom is sparse there are five single beds each with a bedside cabinet and small wardrobe by them. The back wall is dominated by a large mirror and there is a door on the far wall.

 

Davina: Don’t they just look divine! And over here is the bathroom … I have heard brilliant things about this! Follow me!

 

Davina jumps onto one bed and hops from one to another until she is at the door, the weasels do exactly the same leaving the freshly made beds in disarray. Davina bangs the door to the ensuite bathroom open and charges in.

 

Davina: Wow! Look at this (grabing the front of the camera and jerking it around) look at that bath! (jumping into what is essentially a small indoor swimming pool) and look at the showers! (jumping out of the bath and running into a shower block, miming taking a shower)  

 

And this.. (At another door on the opposite end on the room) Is the other bedroom!

 

Davina rushes into an identical bedroom

 

Davina: (confused) Ooh they are the same? … anyway lets have a look at the garden!

 

Davina again hops across the beds and back out in the main house area and runs to a large set of screen doors.

That leads onto the spacious, garden, enclosed by high almost vertical mud banks. In the garden there is a barbeque, a tree (for any avian house mates to perch on) some rocks to lounge in the sun on and a pool. There are more cctv cameras outside

 

Davina: (out of breathe and pressing her beak against the clean glass leaving smudges) would you look at that! Isn’t it amazing!

 

We can’t go out there as we are running short of time … so let’s look at the diary room!

 

(Davina and the weasels race across to the remaining vault style door, there is a large red button on it that Davina hits with a bit too much gusto.

 

The button flashes green and the door opens automatically, revealing a beanbag in front of a camcorder and a boom mic hung from the ceiling. This room is painfully small.

 

Davina dives onto the beanbag and the weasels cram inside

 

 

Davina: (dramatic yet loud whisper) and this is where the housemates will reveal their deepest darkest thoughts, expect tears! expect joy! … expect the unexpected! This is also where they will nominate their fellow housemates so look out! This is the centre of all the forthcoming drama!

 

I’m so excited!

 

We’ll start to meet the housemates after this short break!

 

A snippet of the theme tune plays again

 

Narrator: You know what Children? Reality TV is a blight on our viewing schedules, its is a cheap and easy format to reproduce as there is always going to be a constant stream of fame hungry half wits out there willing to cheapen themselves for cold hard cash.

 

But I have to admit I am ever so excited about this one!

 

Take care you.

 

Davina: I’m so excited!