Narrator: Hello children. The festive period is well underway now. Commercial breaks feature nothing but toy adverts, winding children into a point close to breaking. People are bulk buying Cranberry and bread sauce. The antique jar of piccalilli has resurfaced and it is fashionable to graze on nuts, seeds and crackers. Normally this would be derided as greedy but Christmas is a magical time where over indulgence is acceptable and encouraged.
As is door to door busking …
Carla, wearing socks on her ears and a Christmas hat is stood with her eyes closed singing.
Carla: … Silent night, holy night …
Beuford walks in also wearing a Christmas hat and is carrying a mannequin.
Beuford: Hey Carla, can I borrow some of your clothes?
Carla: No, you stretched them last time and that game wasn’t as fun as you said it was going to be … Whats that thing for?
Beuford: Is that never mentioning it again? Is it? …. And they’re not for me this time.
I have come up with the best idea ever
Carla: Your ideas always end in someone getting hurt … normally me
Beuford: I would never hurt you … unless it was kind of funny, but anyway nobody is going to get hurt, this is pure 100 percent guaranteed win.
Carla: I’m almost afraid to ask, but if you promise nobody is going to get hurt I’ll at least listen to it.
Beuford: I promise nobody will get hurt … right you know how you have got it into that sweet little head of yours that the old folks want singing to
Carla: (sighs) I take it you mean the carol singing at Happy Green Forest Retirement Home
Beuford: Yeah coffin dodgers love a bit of music, so I got to thinking how can carol singing be livened up a bit?
Carla: Interpretive Dance!
Beuford: What? (shudders) no way dude … but I would get to wear lycra … umm anyway what was I saying? You have thrown my train of thought off
Carla: you were on about your plan to liven up the caroling
Beuford: Oh yeah course I was, so yeah this time of year has all the best holidays, Halloween, Bonfire night and now Christmas. They cover three of my favourite things. Scaring people, Fire and free stuff.
Carla: You’re missing the point on all of those
Beuford: Am I? I doubt it, anyway the way I figure it if we combine all of these we will have the best holiday in the history of the animal kingdom
Carla: Go on them I’ll humour you what does it all involve?
Beuford: Are you ready? Strap in! here it comes!
(dramatic pause)
Trick Or Treat Carol singing
Carla: (confused) What?
Beuford: Trick or treat carol singing!
Carla: no I heard you, just how would this work? We sing and if they don’t give us something we egg there house?
Beuford: I knew you would love it!
Carla: What! I was joking! Are you serious? Whats the dummy for then?
Beuford: I’m deadly serious about it, its like my life’s work, this is possibly the defining moment in my lifetime. This could go down in the history books along side that bell bloke who invented the telly.
And the Mannequin is for the final part, penny for the Christmas guy.
Carla: Penny for the what?
Beuford: The Christmas guy, we stick a hat on him bit of tinsel, wedge him up a chimney and set fire to him
It’s like a plan with out fail.
Carla: And we give the money to charity?
Beuford: What are you stupid? We buy more eggs with it, you have to speculate to accumulate. I’m thinking as well what with interest rates and what nots a penny for the Christmas guy isn’t right. I’m thinking more a pound fifty NO two pound for the Christmas guy.
Carla: There is no way you are doing this to the old folks, we are going there to sing for them because we care.
Beuford: But I don’t
Carla: Then we’ll do it because I care enough for both of us
Now have you been practicing?
Beuford: umm yeah of course I have
Carla: Well lets hear you then
Beuford: Ok …. (loudly ) jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle all the way, oh what fun it is to something something something HEY!
Carla: What was that?
Beuford: Jingle bells
Carla; Well what happened to the rest of it?
Beuford: I thought this might come up, Carol singers don’t have to know all the song my dear, just the first few lines or so, long enough for the mugs to answer the door and give us the cash
Carla: That’s disgusting, we are going to the old folks home to sing for them not fleece them for small change.
Luckily for us I know how you work, you may think I am silly and naïve but I know your game Beuford T Bunny. I have printed off the lyrics to the songs we are going to sing.
Now come on we have to get a hop on.
Carla walks off leaving a startled and worried looking beuford
Beuford: (mumbling) I don’t think you’re silly
Carla: What was that?
Beuford: Nothing
Narrator: Never under estimate the fairer sex boys, you may think you are cock of the walk, but she will know everything that goes on in your mind before you even think it as well most of the time as well.
Until next time children.
Take care you
Beuford: I love you so much
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