FFFAD

Narrator: Hello Children, stress is a funny thing, a very modern thing as well.

I think it’s down to the unnecessary urgency we all seem to eagerly stamp onto our lives; before we lived in this twenty four hour ordering, next day delivery world people were far happier with their lot in life.

I suggest a return to the good old days, no shops open on Sundays and half day closing on Thursdays. Give people some time back to relax and enjoy themselves. For as we are about to see stress effects all in different ways…

 

A wide eyed rabbit is stood in front of a group of animals in a crowded room.

 

Alex: (loudly with a big grin) Gentlemen welcome to FFFAD, Forest Friends For Anarchy and Destruction

 

All of us are here for a reason, all of our reasons are different and yet they still unite us

 

Are you bored of rhetoric?

 

Tired of exhaustion?

 

Saddened with depression?

 

If you have answered yes to any or all of these questions then this is the place for you!

 

Gary Three Toes: (excitedly) Tell ‘em about the rules core…. I mean Alex

 

Alex: oh yeah … (clears throat)

 

The first rule of FFFAD Club IS

 

(dramatic pause)

 

Can we stack the chairs after we have finished, at the back of the room as its playgroup in the morning

 

The second rule of FFFAD Club is can we stack the chairs after we have … oh wait no I just read that one didn’t I?

 

The second rule of FFFAD club is no shoes or socks, someone, mentioning no names Mr. Coaltit, wore trainers last week and left black scuff marks everywhere, if it happens again we WILL be billed

 

If this is your first week at FFFAD.. Can you please go to the back and register with Snappy there, we don’t ask for a registration fee but all donations are more than welcome, the photocopying doesn’t do itself you know.

 

Right as it’s our mission to spread anarchy and destruction into people’s lives I think it’s about time for our first assignment, don’t you?

 

(Cheers from the crowd)

 

On your way out you will be given a piece of paper with a phone number on it

 

This phone number is the eviction line for “lord” Dennis in big burrow

 

His outdated hierarchic views are not welcome anymore, he is not part of my, our vision for the new world

 

Take this number and ring it as many times as you can before the lines close on Friday night, calls after the lines have closed won’t count and may still be charged, calls cost twenty five pence from a landline with fourteen pence going to charity, the cost for calls from mobiles will vary

 

Do not let anyone else see this piece of paper and after the lines have closed, eat it.

Its actually rice paper and the ink is icing so it’s not as drastic as it sounds

 

Right, I think we are done here

 

Any queries, any questions any problems?

 

Ronnie: (raised hand) Umm I ate my paper already

 

Alex: No you haven’t we haven’t dished them out yet, but bonus points for honesty champ!

 

Ok now go my pretties and do my, our bidding!

 

(the crowd start to filter out each taking a bit of paper from Calvin)

 

Narrator: Fixing so called reality TV shows for any purpose, is a pointless act as it brings more attention to them and only serves to add more false importance to them. In a world when more people vote on the telly than in the political process the age of the idiot is fast approaching.

 

Until next time children

 

Take care you

 

Alex: mmm people, I think you are forgetting the first rule of FFAD!

FFFADS

Narrator: Hello children, the times they are a changing. People no longer have to suffer personal anguish on their own as there are all sorts of magnificent support groups you can join to air and share your pain.

 

 

In a small room a group of animals are all seated in a semi circle  a rabbit that is stood in front of them.

 

Corey: (in a very soft cheery voice) hello everybody I’m Corey and I am to help all you brave souls who have come here to FFFADS, that’s Forest Friends Fighting Anger Depression and Sadness! Yay!

 

Now shall we start with a song?

 

Iiiiiiif you’re happy and you know it clap your hands…..

 

(Complete silence)

 

 

(Dejected) Ok maybe not

 

Right shall we start with the introductions from left to right just shout out and tell us all who you are and why you are here, come on now don’t be shy!

 

Gary Three Toes: (wearing a sticker with Sheldon written on it and then crossed out and Gary written below it)  Hi I’m Sheldon… I mean Gary and I’m just not comfortable in my own shell … I mean fur

 

Corey: And why do you think this is Gary?

 

Gary: I was born a Tortoise and didn’t fit in, now I’m a Sloth (starts to cry)  I have got patchy fur and I don’t fit in, I’m sorry it’s the hormones they are all over the place ….

 

(big heaving sobs)

 

I don’t know what I am!

 

 

Corey: You are Gary, that’s all that’s important your species doesn’t matter to us

 

Gary: (shouting and wailing) It matters to me! I wanted to be a tur … tle

 

Corey: Sorry what was that?

 

Gary: (still sobbing) A Turtle! But I left it too late and now I’m a rubbish slow monkey

 

(big sob)

 

 With a stupid face

 

 

Corey: hey! Come on now Sloths aren’t monkeys and you don’t have a stupid face at all, sloths are cool, you are cool! Look at you with your … ummm three toes!

 

Gary: I want to have …. Flippers

 

Corey: (getting nervous) Nobody really wants flippers, sure they are good in the water but look at how slow they are on land

 

Gary: (really upset) I’m so slow I go mouldy

 

Snappy: (further down the line) Listen kid, being a turtle aint all its cracked up to be, trust me, nobody wants to employ you, I ended up on a scheme and now I deliver the mail and I can’t even do that right (starts crying)

 

Corey: (distressed) now, now people lets try and calm down a bit we are here to talk

 

Calvin: Listen pal, don’t tell them to calm down or you’ll have me to answer to

 

Snappy: (sobbing) I want to be the milkman

 

Corey: (slowly sitting down on the floor) does anybody have a paper bag? I think I’m hyper ventilating

 

Calvin: Some use you are pal, youse need some sense knocking into you, you all do, all soft in the head like. I wanted to be a magpie when I grew up but I’m too small so I’m a coaltit but you don’t hear me moaning about it do ya?

 

Corey: (panicky) Its going dark … mother are you there?

 

Calvin: (close to tears) All I ever wanted was to be like me brothers ….

 

Gary: (still sobbing) I want my shell back

 

Calvin: (crying) One for …(sob) Sorrow,  Two for … (heaving sob) joy

 

 

Narrator: See children support groups are the way forward, they bring together like minded people and release all of their pent up emotions. Of course from time to time this can go horribly, horribly wrong and you end up with underground bare knuckle boxing clubs that become terrorist factions but we can’t have everything can we?

 

Until next time

 

Take Care You

 

Corey: You are not your shell, you are not your job, you are not your black and white plummage

HGFTS

Narrator:  Hello children, the world is a strange place full of wonderfully different people, all of us individuals with our own set of beliefs.

Now while nobody has the right to say who is right or who is wrong, there are some groups for take things past the point of reason ….

 

A Canadian goose is stood behind a table holding a megaphone, there are homemade banners pinned to the table with such slogans as “demand the truth”  and “Open your eyes, No more lies” on them, he has a box full of leaflets that he tries to give to people as they pass him.

 

Poppa Gander: (through the megaphone) open your eyes people, don’t be a Sheep!

 

Ronnie: (a passing ram)You what?

 

Poppa Gander: (megaphone) Sorry … Open your eyes, don’t be a … be a … don’t walk around blindly like a mole!

 

Morris .E: Oi I heard that!

 

Poppa Gander: (megaphone) oh yeah sorry …. Don’t believe their lies! The trees didn’t fall on their own! This is a cover up! You sir, what do you think?

 

Benny: Who me? Well I think that Cynthia is a bit of alright know what I mean?

 

Poppa: (confused putting the megaphone down) What? Who? I meant about the trees?

 

Benny: (looking up) Oh, um, well there is plenty of trees about bit more room would be nice really don’t you think?

 

Poppa: (through the megaphone right in Benny’s face) Aha! That’s what they want you to think!

 

Benny: (rubbing his ears) What the.. Can’t say that a bit louder could you? Me mate Barry didn’t hear you over at Marsh side.

 

Poppa: (putting the megaphone down again) Sorry I get a bit carried away with this thing

 

Benny: (grumpily) don’t you ever I have seen bands quieter than you, what do you want anyway?

 

Poppa: I want people to see the truth!

 

Benny: What that a few trees fell down in that storm we had?

 

Poppa: (mockingly) Oh yes that (makes speech marks with his wings) storm we had, that (speech marks) storm was never strong enough to fell trees, and even if it was, and believe me it wasn’t, they fell too neatly … both … BOTH in the same direction at the same time? It’s a cover up

 

Benny: They fell in the direction of the wind, funny that and what are (make speech marks with his hands) they covering up?

 

Poppa: Well if you read this leaflet, you’ll see that they are now planning on starting logging in the area.. You do know they moved (disgusted) Beavers in BEFORE the storm don’t you?

 

Benny: (excited) I know! There is one works down the waterhole, cracking lass

 

Poppa: coming here taking our jobs!

 

Benny: You’re mental you know that don’t you? You stand here, day in day out shouting your nonsense at people and for what?

 

Poppa: To spread the truth!

 

Benny: (angry rant) The truth? You have no idea, you get your knowledge from the internet off like minded simpletons who are backed up by other idiots, just because you all say it is so doesn’t mean it is. There is no they, I mean how vague is that term anyway? They say this they cover up that, they are busy I’ll give them that! I bet you even think the earth is flat

 

Poppa: (dead calm) You can’t prove its not

 

Benny: (even angrier) you’re a goose you have flown high enough to see the curvature of the globe!

 

Poppa: (dead calm) its an optical illusion

 

Benny: (shocked and sounding numb) I can’t speak to you anymore

 

Benny turns and storms off

 

Poppa: (through the megaphone) that’s it walk away, just because you are losing, you SHEEP! Baaa baaaa baaa

 

Ronnie: Right I’ve had enough of you pal, come ‘ere I’m going to batter ya

 

Ronnie pushes the wool on his arms up to his elbows revealing anchor tattoos on his forearms

 

Narrator: People are perfectly entitled to their opinions but you should always be open to different points of view, to follow blindly is the act of a fool but to go too far the other way and see hidden agendas in everything is equally foolish.

It’s a fine line children

 

Until next time take care you.

 

Poppa: Look at the violence inherent in the system!

Day 6

Narrator: Its day six in the big burrow house and people are starting to get settled in. The role of head of house is still to be decided, friendships are being forged and battle lines are being drawn.

 

Big Burrow: (broad Geordie accent) Day six in the big burrow house, Simon, Monty, Frenchy and Hector are all in the garden talking about voles.

 

Simon: So yeah my cousin’s a vole like

 

Hector: Still sounds like a mouse if you ask me

 

Monty: Completely different thing mate, bit like calling you a Kangaroo

 

Frenchy: Yeah … (makes clicking noise) whats that flipper? A boy trapped in the mine?

 

Hector: (annoyed) Flipper was a dolphin

 

Simon: Na he wasn’t you’re thinking about Lassie man

 

Hector: Lassie was a dog!

 

Frenchy: You can’t go saying things about people like that man

 

Hector: I mean like a collie dog

 

Monty: You can’t say that any more its offensive; we just call them gollies nowadays and you don’t see them about anymore …

 

Hector: (angry) what is wrong with you people? Flipper was a Dolphin, Lassie was a dog and Skippy was the Kangaroo yes essentially they were all the same show, young child befriends animal, animal saves trapped human or stops smugglers… or whatever but the difference between them all is gigantic.

 

Simon: Alright calm down Skippy

 

 

Big Burrow: Meanwhile Wendy and Lord Dennis are in the living area talking about Simon and Frenchy

 

 

 

Dennis: I don’t get the attraction do you? Of course he may have some tree frog in him but it is quite bizarre don’t you think?

 

Wendy: Completely agree there but they are both so angry, of course its classic small man syndrome …

 

Dennis: Ooh good call Wendy my dear, both are so full of bluster and hot air trying to make themselves the big men and as for poor Montgomery the chap is so easily led, look at them all harassing our poor antipodean friend, I am a little surprised nobody has called him a Kangaroo yet

 

Wendy: Its early days yet, Dennis, early day yet

 

Big Burrow: In the Girls Bedroom Carole, Debbie and Helena are talking about Lord Dennis

 

Carole: well I think you would make a lovely couple

 

Debbie: yeah a lovely couple!

 

Helena: (blushing) Stop it! Think of the children watching!

 

Carole: Have you got any children?

 

Helena: None of my own, but I look at my pupils as my children so I have hundreds of them

 

Carole: Not the same tho is it?

 

Debbie: na not the same is it

 

Helena: (sadly) Well no I suppose its not really but this is the life I have chosen …

 

Carole: Are you married miss?

 

Helena: I have told you Carole, please I’m not a teacher in here just call  me Helena

 

Carole: Are you married Helena?

 

Debbie: Yeah are you married miss?

 

Helena: Well not that it matters but no I’m not married

 

Carole: Do you have boyfriend miss?

 

Helena: it’s Helena and No I don’t

 

Carole: Have you ever had a boyfriend miss?

 

Helena: Well there was someone once ….

 

Carole: What was he like?

 

Debbie: yeah what was he like? What was he like?

 

Helena: Well he was a cat, and he was a sailor … he had this beautiful pea green boat …

 

Carole: Oh my god you went out with a cat? Aint they tight?

 

Helena: Oh no we had plenty of money

 

Carole: What happened?

 

Helena: Well you know it’s the same old story he wanted Kittens and I couldn’t give them to him he resented me for it and we drifted apart, So I came home and went into teaching

 

Carole: Aaah miss that’s well tragic

 

Debbie: Yeah well tragic

 

Big Burrow: Its 11:21 and Cynthia has been in diary room for three hours and twenty five minutes

 

Cynthia: An’ so I said to him you what? Know what I mean? Just because he’s a Frog don’t mean he can go tell me what to do, know what I mean?

 

Big Burrow: ummm and how do you feel?

 

Cynthia: You what? I use my hands innit I touch things, the skin gets depressed, not like sad depressed but you know down like a button, not down like a clown and these electric messages shoot into me brain and tells me if its hot or cold or hard or soft you know?

 

Big Burrow: umm what are your emotions about all of this?

 

Cynthia: well you know sometimes I feel super mad happy and other times not so happy but that frog he just rattles my cage, you know? Not that I could live in a cage I would have to have a vivarium and Rattles my Viv just don’t work does it? Know what I mean?

 

Big Burrow: Thank you Cynthia, the door is open now and Big Burrow is always hear for you

 

Cynthia: Youse just kicking me out like man? That’s well mental!

 

Narrator: People watching is a hobby of mine, it’s a marvelous past time just idly  watching the world go by, imagining different scenarios as to how and why people have got to this moment in life.

Big Burrow is like that but without having to leave the house on these cold wet autumnal days.

Until next time children

 

Take care you

 

Debbie: take care you!