A Closer Look At Happy Green Forest

Narrator: Hello children, So far we have met a veritable smorgasbord of delightful animals, but we have only briefly glanced over an important part of the very heart of Happy Green Forest …..

 

 

Two Bees both wearing pith helmets are stood on top an Ant hill. They have a group of beetles following them all lugging cases on their backs.

 

Sir Nathaniel Stinger: (In a posh English accent) well here we are old boy and they said we would never make it!

 

Charles Beeswax: (in a similarly posh voice) well we still have the decent to face old boy, shall we get on with things? The formalities and pictures and what nots?

 

Sir Nathaniel: Yes quite, have the beetles unpack and make camp and we’ll get on with things.

 

Charles: (excited) I’ll get the flag!

 

Charles dashes off towards the beetles

 

Sir Nathaniel: (to himself, proudly, admiring the view) So this is how it feels to be on top of the world

 

Charles and a beetle that is carrying a furled flag and an old fashioned camera with a huge flash bulb walk up to Sir Nathaniel.

 

Charles: Admiring the view eh old bean? Shall we get on with this then?

 

Charles takes the flag off the beetle and passes it to Sir Nathaniel

 

Sir Nathaniel: (unfurls the flag, a union Jack with the head of a queen bee wearing a crown in the middle)(to nobody in particular) for centuries we Bees have strived for greatness and we leave no boundaries unexplored in our pursuit for knowledge and understanding … for knowledge is power! (sticks the flag into the Ant hill) I claim this mountain in the name of our Queen, Her Royal highness Queen Beatrice the fortieth!

 

The two bees take of their helmets, hold them to their chests and salute with one of their free arms.

 

Sir Nathaniel and Charles: (singing with great pride and emotion) God save our gracious queen ….

 

The beetle fires off a shot from the camera capturing the singing bees, the flag and the summit, then scurries off to join the others

 

An Ant with tribal face paint wearing a loin cloth climbs out of the Any hills opening.

 

Ant1: (Brummie accent) What’s with all this shouting here then eh?  

 

Sir Nathaniel: Aaah a native!  (in a loud slow voice) Hell-o  we (pointing at himself and Charles) have dis-cov-er-ed you isn’t that marvelous?

 

Ant1: Dis-co-ver-ed me? Watch yow mean? I have been here all me life, three weeks man and boy

 

Sir Nathaniel: (to Charles) would you listen to that! What a marvelous dialect!

 

(to the Ant) We (pointing again at himself and Charles) are   Bees!

 

Ant1: you don’t say? It’s not like them stripes give you away or anything is it?

 

Sir Nathaniel: (to Charles) Not a word!

 

Ant1: Idiot … ‘old on I’ll get me mate he speaks some Bee

 

The ant scurries back into the mound.

 

Sir Nathaniel: Did you see that! I think I’ll call it a “Stingers Dog” Next one we see capture it and we’ll take it back for the queen!

 

Charles: Stingers Dog … marvelous! I’ll get the net!

 

Charles goes back down the hill to the Beetles who have now set up camp and are all sat around a fire looking bored.

 

 

Charles: (excited) what ho old boys, where’s the net? We have only gone and discovered another new breed!

 

Duncan: (a stag beetle and the head of the group) S’ant

 

Charles: Pardon? You know I don’t speak Beetle all that good old boy

 

Duncan:  it’s an Ant

 

Charles: (slowly) The … net (mimes a swishing action) Where …. Is … the …net?

 

Duncan points to one of the tents Charles dashes off into it and comes out with a huge butterfly net

 

Charles: thanks awfully old bean

 

Charles runs back up to the top of the hill.

 

Duncan: Idiots the pair of them jus’ a shame they pay so well

 

The other beetles all nod in agreement

 

Charles arrives back up the hill to see Sir Nathaniel surrounded by ants.

 

Charles: what the blazes?

 

Sir Nathaniel: (gleefully oblivious) I think they want me to be their king!

 

Charles: well tell them you can’t! They have a Queen now!

 

Sir Nathaniel: (slowly) I … am … ver-y… flat-ter-ed … but … this … is … our … (pointing to himself and charles) … col-o-ny… now  

 

Ant1: an’ i told you this is our colony already so take your flag and do one

 

Sir Nathaniel: (to Charles) See if you can bag a pair old boy we’ll start a breeding program

 

Charles: Roger will co

 

Charles swipes the net over two ants

 

Charles: Bingo! Say how do we know we have a breeding pair?

 

Sir Nathaniel: Dear boy, I have observed them closely and they all look exactly the same I have concluded they are asexual. (sighs) You have so much to learn. Now take them back to the beetles and I’ll tidy up here.

 

(to the ants) Fear …not…your … friends… are safe

 

Charles heads off back down the hill with the ants in the net over his shoulder

 

Ant1: Where’s he going with our David and Luke?

 

Sir Nathaniel: They….will… be ….fam-ous… back…at…our…hive

 

Ant1: I don’t think so pal  (to the other ants) come on lads lets ‘ave ‘em

 

The ants start to charge towards Sir Nathaniel who with a surprising turn of speed sprints towards the camp

 

Sir Nathaniel: (catching up with Charles) Change of plan old boy ruuuuuuuuuuuuun

 

Charles: (turning to see what Sir Nathaniel is running from) Crikey! There’s hundreds of the bleeders!

 

Suddenly darkness falls over everything and the ants all stop running

 

Ant1: Behold the sky god is here!

 

Jesus: Hey dudes, s’nice to see so many of you out for me today

 

Jesus starts to hoover up the ants and also gets Sir Nathaniel

 

Sir Nathaniel: Chaaaaaaaaaaaarles!

 

Charles: Nathaniel!

 

In a last ditch attempt to survive Sir Nathaniel stings Jesus

 

Jesus: Ow what are you playing at you silly ants? You knows the rules 

 

Jesus spits out the mouthful of ants and Bee

 

Charles drops the net and runs over to his friend, scooping him up in his arms

 

Charles: Nathaniel … Nathaniel …. Speak to me!

 

Sir Nathaniel: (weakly) I don’t think I’m going to make it home this time old boy

 

Charles: (close to tears) don’t talk like you’ll make it, you have to! Who’ll present the Stingers dogs?

 

Sir Nathaniel: I think its time for you to carry the torch for once old bean

 

Charles: I’m … I’m not ready (looks away sobbing)

 

Sir Nathaniel: nonsense I have kept you on the sidelines too long old friend it’s … your …. Time … to shine

 

Sir Nathaniel lets out a deep breathe and dies in his friends arms

 

Charles: Noooooooooooo

 

 

Narrator: Insects are a vital part of every ecosystem children, they pollinate our flowers and vegetables they help the earth keep healthy and stable and they help with decomposition apart from Wasps, Wasps are rubbish

 

Take care you

 

 

Charles: My sister married a Wasp

Happy Green Forest Tv

Narrator: Hello Children, news travels fast in happy green forest and it’s not the jungle drums that are responsible anymore…..

A toad holding a microphone, wearing a brown sports jacket and a cheap looking, ill fitting wig is stood by a door set into a grassy bank.

He is with two weasels one is holding a video camera; both are wearing black jackets with HGF-TV on the back of them.

Roger (the toad, in a loud nasal voice): Happy green forest is one of the newest additions to the ever growing list of once tranquil habitats where children could play safely unsupervised that are now danger zones where no child is safe.

Last night, straight A student Marley Cocoonson had a very lucky escape after a wicked predator tried to lure her away from her friends.

It was only her wits that saved her, who knows what this vile creature had planned for her?

Tonight we find out!

I and my team have tracked him down to this residence … let’s see what he has to say for himself.

The toad turns and starts banging on the door

Roger: (shouting and still banging on the door) Come on open up, we know you are in there, you filthy animal

The door opens and a shocked looking Aardvark with bits of ant all round his mouth, wearing a tatty brown dressing gown is revealed.

Jesus: (in a Mexican accent) what’s with all the banging eh?

Roger: (barging past) ok where is he? (Shouting) you can’t hide from us!

The weasels run in shaking the camera as they go

Jesus: What is this hide and go seek? There no one here but me hombres

Roger: A likely story … I bet you are in cahoots with him

Jesus: With who? I’m confused. Is this about the Ants? Because an anteaters got to do what an anteaters got to do you know?

Roger: (making a swiping action across his throat) Ok CUT!

The weasel stops filming and points the camera to the floor.

Jesus: (excited) Hey I know you! You the frog off the telly … can I say hello to my Mum? She loves your show you know

Roger: I’m a Toad my name is Roger Toad … the show is called the Toad report

Jesus: I don’ know about none of that, my mum she says if it looks like a frog and if it hops like a frog … it’s probably a frog

Roger: (sighs) Look we are looking for a Fox called Brian, we were told he lived here … He tried to attack a poor innocent young girl last night.

Jesus: really? That’s terrible … but nobody lives here just me and my roommate

Roger: (trying not to sound too eager) Oh you have a roommate?

Jesus: Yeah Bryn he moved in last week he’s a funny guy

Roger: Funny how?

Jesus: like a clown, you know? He make me laugh so much, this one time the other day I found him digging a hole in his room an’ I said what you doin’ an’ he said digging a hole

Roger: And what is Bryn?

Jesus: I don’ know he’s like a dog or somethin’, I don’ like putting labels on people you know?

Roger: A dog? Why would a dog be living with an Aardvark?

Jesus: The rent is cheap, sure we don’ have no real view only the school playground out the back and the noise is a bit too much, but Bryn … you know what he did?

Roger: (bored) what did he do?

Jesus: He said don’ sweat it I’ll have the back room so we swapped an’ now I got the front bedroom where the noise aint too bad so I can sleep

Roger: (interested again) Did he? Say what does this Bryn look like?

Jesus: He looks like a dog but not a big dog but not a small dog you know?

Roger: (frustrated) that makes no sense.. could you draw him?

Jesus: Oh wow man I did art at school, I haven’t painted for a while you know? I might be a bit rusty, I think I have still got some of my pictures about here somewhere

Roger: never mind can you describe him?

Jesus: Like I say he’s a dog man, you know four legs, snappy teeth an’ a tail

Roger: A Bushy tail?

Jesus: I’ve seen bushier

Roger: What colour is he?

Jesus: He sort of looks like autumn leaves you know when they have fallen and they are all crunchy but he isn’t crunchy lookin’

Roger: (mocking) did you get that boys? … Not crunchy looking

The weasels snicker

Roger: Right you have wasted enough of our time come on lads lets go ….

The Toad and the two weasels leave

Jesus: Man I gotta ring my mum tell her I’m goin’ to be on tv

Outside the house Roger and the weasles are hiding behind a bush

Roger: (whispering) Right boys we are after a fox called Brian, He has an Orange Dog called Bryn He’s so out of it on the Ants he can’t see what under that snout of his. I say we wait it out and catch “Bryn” on his way back in

The weasels nod in agreement

Roger: Right get that camera going again we’ll start afresh

Roger adjusts his wig and clears his throat

Roger: Right in 3…. 2 ……1 Action

(loud whisper) I’m here waiting for the vicious Predator known simply as … Brian

We have tracked him down, here to his home and we are going to apprehend him as soon as he shows his vile, twisted face.

It’s a dangerous task but we feel it’s our duty to put the happy back into happy green forest

An elderly Corgi wearing a red raincoat strolls past and heads for the door.

Roger: (nervous) There he is! (Shouting) Get him!

Roger jumps out of the bush followed by the weasels who are again waving the camera wildly as they run.

Roger: We have got you now Brian … no point running

Roger jumps onto the dogs back tackling him to the floor

Bryn: (in a Welsh accent) get off me who do you think you are doing?

Roger: Look he is still wearing the same jacket! The dirty …

Bryn: It’s not a jacket it’s a coat! Now get off me

Clive (the weasel without the camera) Err boss I don’t think that a fox

Roger: It’s a disguise you fool!

Roger starts pulling at Bryns fur

Bryn: oooow what are you doing now you mental frog? You keep that up and somebody is going to get a bite

Roger his wig slipping off the front of his head stops fighting the old dog.

Roger: Are you a fox?

Bryn: I think your hair is falling off, never seen a frog with hair before

Roger: (adjusting his wig) I’m a toad! Now are you a fox?

Bryn: A fox? Me a Fox? No I don’t think so I’m a Corgi

Roger: Really? And just what would a Corgi be doing living in the forest … with an Aardvark?

Bryn: Retired isn’t it, Jesus had a cheap room going and have always holidayed here so I thought why not move here

Roger: (disappointed) But what about the back bedroom … over looking the school?

Bryn: Deaf as a post aren’t I?, the noise doesn’t bother me none at all.

Roger: (chopping action across the throat) Right cut …. That’s an entire day wasted … I can’t go back with nothing again .. They’ll sack me.. We need another angle

Narrator: Freedom of press is a marvelous thing but at times dangerous, you shouldn’t believe everything you read or see on the television children, try and seek out unbiased independent news sources …

Take care you

Roger: Happy Green Forest once a haven for ordinary hard working tax paying creatures like you and me is now awash with jobless Ant addicts and immigrants …..

Sunset In Happy Green Forest

Narrator: Hello children, sunset in happy green forest is a magical time, a beautiful time and sometimes a dangerous time. For even such a special place as happy green forest has to have its predators…..

In the fading light a large group of animals are playing in a clearing. Set into the surrounding bank there are doors, windows and further up chimneys poke out of the top.

Jake: (wearing an royal blue athletics vest with a matching white and royal blue headband is limbering up) : Ok James are you ready to time me?

James: (wearing a black t-shirt with RTFM in large white letters is holding a stopwatch) Ready, but I would be happier if we measured out the correct distance.

Jake : (stopping stretching) Look bro, It’s a well known fact around here I can run the one hundred metres in ten seconds, today I am going to break that record so I’ll shout go, you’ll time me and nine and half seconds later I’ll be at least One hundred …. and ten metres away. Its simple I don’t see what your problem is.

James: (frustrated) But it doesn’t work like that!

Jake: look when I say go just start timing, I know how far the one hundred metre sprint is.

James: Well how will I know when to stop timing then?

Jake: Nine and a half seconds after I say go.

James: (muttering) this is stupid

Jake: Are you ready?

James: (heavy sigh) Yeah I’m ready

Jake: (crouching) H’on your marks

(Bracing himself) Get set

(Starts running and takes at least a dozen steps) GO!

James: (clicking the stopwatch) (muttering) Idiot

Jake hurtles off and after a vague distance throws his arms up in triumph, turns and jogs back while pumping his arms in the air at an imaginary crowd.

Jake: How quick was that?

James: (bored) Nine and a half seconds.

Jake: We’ll call it an even nine, your reflexes are rubbish

(shouting) IT’S A NEW HAPPY GREEN FOREST WORLD RECORD!

Marley: (sat leaning against a tree with another raccoon, both still in school uniform, both in the same state of disarray) What youse shouting at stupid rabbit boy?

Jake: (exaggerated out of breathe panting) You …. Didn’t …see…that? I … was ……..ama…..zing.

Marley: I saw you run about like a fool

Jake: Well, whatever you two are looking at the new world record holder.

Marley: Youse think your fast then yeah?

Jake: The fastest, I just ran the one hundred metres in less than nine seconds

Marley: My cousin right, he beat you for sure, He’s a Cheetah an' he eats lil Bunnies like you for breakfast

Jake: Cheetahs don’t count they don’t live in the Forest

Marley: So youse don’t have the world record then?

Jake: look I am the fastest rabbit in this forest, I just ran the one hundred metres in a little over Eight seconds.

Marley: That don’t count for nothing lil bunny, I’m the fastest Raccoon here but you don’t here me banging on about it.

Raquel: (the other raccoon) what you saying ‘bout me?

Marley: I aint being funny Raquel like but I could beat you in a race an youse knows it.

Jake: Prove it

Marley: You what?

Jake: You think you’re so fast prove it, race each other … I’ll be the starter and James will time it … then we’ll see who is the fastest.

Marley: You joking right? Do I look like we are racing anyone?

Raquel: I don’t know Mar’ I reckon I could have you

Marley: You think so?, don’ you be giving me no lip girl

Jake: I think you are scared

Marley(standing and squaring up to Jake): I don’ care what no bunny thinks of me (right in his face) You hear me? (stepping back)

Come on Raquel lets get out of here, this sweaty lil bunny is starting to stink the place up

The two raccoons start to walk off away from the clearing arm in arm.

As they start to walk into the forest a dapper looking fox in a red hunting jacket and white gloves, his whiskers smoothed so as to resemble a wispy moustache sidles out from behind a tree.

Brian (in a smooth upper class voice) : Well good evening ladies and what a pleasure it is to see you

Marley: (shouting, over the top cheery) Ok Dad we are coming now!

Brian: Oh I don’t think so, you are a long way from home Marley, and Daddy is a lot further away isn’t he?

Marley: How you know my name?

Brian: How DO I know your name? Let’s just say I have watched you for quite a while my child.

Raquel: You don’t want me no though? Do you?

Brian: Raquel, it is Raquel isn’t it? (lick of the lips) You are very much an added bonus, so yes your presence is very much required as well.

The Raccoons turn as if to make a run for it

Brian: Oh please ladies, don’t even think it, I am much too fast for you and that would be awfully undignified for all of us.

Marley: I bet you aint all that fast

Brian: Ooh I think I’m quite fast enough to catch you both without even breaking a sweat

Marley: Well yeah (duh) but I bet you aint as fast as jakey, he’s well fast man

Raquel: Yeah man, he’s like … POW and he’s gone, you’d never catch him

Brian: Are you offering up your friend to take your place? That’s very cruel you know

Marley: No way man I was just saying like, he is way too quick for you

Brian: Don’t try and weasel out of this I am a fox, being weasely is my nature

Marley: That’s funny I know a foxy weasel

Brian: Yes quite the rib tickler that one, now where were we? (lick of the lips)

Marley: We was saying how you are too old and slow for Jakey

Brian (getting annoyed); just who is this … Jakey?

Marley: He has just set the world record for the hundred metre sprint it was like Seven and a half seconds

Brian: Somehow I doubt that

Marley: Straight up man you couldn’t catch him even if he gave you a head start.

Raquel: POW ... (looking around)(shocked face) where'd he go?

Brian (annoyed) : Really? And just where is this superhuman flash-esque rabbit?

Marley: Back (nodding her head) there in the clearing

Brian:(angry) You two come with me, we’ll settle this once and for all.

The fox frog marches the Raccoons back to the clearing.

Brian: Right where is he?

Marley: That’s him over there innit, (screaming at the top of her voice) JAAAAKE!

The entire clearing comes to a standstill and Jake and James who are still arguing over the timing issues both turn in unison to look at the trio on the other side of the clearing.

Jake (shouting): what do YOU want?

Marley (shouting): Come over here a minute will ya?

Jake (shouting): Who’s that you are with?

Marley (shouting): He’s nobody really ….

Brian (calmly): Can we stop with the shouting please

Brian walks the girls over to the two rabbits.

Brian: Well Marley aren’t you going to introduce us?

Marley (fake posh voice): Jake, James this is Brian and he thinks he could beat you in a race, Brian this is Jake the fastest runner in the world and his brother James the official timekeeper.

Jake: Think you’re quick then do ya?

Brian: Oh I’m quick enough for you little one, you know I was expecting someone … well bigger really. I knew a Hare once who liked to race.. He thought he was the fastest as well, got beat by a tortoise in the end, such a tragic downfall.

Jake: pfft beaten by a Tortoise what a lamer, so you want to race old man or what?

Brian: What is it with you kids? I am not that much older than you!

Jake: Whatever dude, how far you want to go? I should warn you I hold the current world record for the hundred metres … Seven and a half seconds.

Brian: I had heard.. I’m more of a Two hundred metre man myself … need that little bit more to get going see.

Jake: That’s good for me, if anything the hundred is too short I’m just about getting to full speed when its time to stop.

Brian: Right shall we get this over and done with then?

Jake: What are the stakes?

Brian: Pardon?

Jake: You obviously fancy your chances so why don’t we make this a little more interesting

Brian: Well how about this… I win I eat you and your friends

Jake: (gulps) And when I win?

Brian: That’s not going to happen little one but ok if you win I’ll leave you all alone … for now

Jake: sounds good to me … right you ready James?

James: What for?

Jake: To time me, I’m going to set the record for the two hundred now while I am beating this old man

James: Shall I go get the trundle wheel?

Brian: What? Why?

James: So we can measure out the track

Brian: Look I am getting tired ..

Marley: I bet … its your age innit..

Raquel: Time for a nap is it granddad?

Brian (angrily): look we’ll call it from here (draws a line in the ground) to the edge of the clearing down there

Jake (stretching) Sounds good to me, you ready?

Brian: Yes quite, quite ready.

Jake: (crouching) Right H’on your marks

(bracing) SET

GO!

Brian rockets off into the distance and just as Jake is about to start running, Marley sticks her leg out tripping him up.

Jake: (rolling around on the floor holding his leg) What did you do that for!

Brian is now at the other of end of the clearing

Brian: (to himself,a little out of breathe) Right .... that’s ..... THAT dealt with now for some refreshment. (lick of the lips)

Brian turns around and looks at his prey at the other end of the clearing

Brian: (to himself, shaking his head) no fool like an old fool

Marley: (shouting) WHAT YOU DOIN’ DOWN THERE OLD MAN?

Brian: (shouting and angry walking towards the children) Look I won fair and square! Now come here!

Marley: (shouting) You’ll have to catch us first granddad! (giggling) Leg it!

Brian breaks into a run back towards them

Everybody on the clearing scatters into the houses.

Brian: (pulling up and holding his leg) ow ow ow ow cramp,cramp,cramp,cramp,cramp,cramp

Brian, humiliated turns and limps off into the forest.

Narrator: See children if Brian had done his warm up stretches maybe things would have turned out differently.

Exercise is important and warming up properly even more so.

You also have to be careful of strangers; there are some nasty people around even here in Happy Green Forest.

Take Care You.

Brian: Ooooh It’s a deep burn.