Carol Singing In HGF

Narrator: Hello children. The festive period is well underway now. Commercial breaks feature nothing but toy adverts, winding children into a point close to breaking. People are bulk buying Cranberry and bread sauce. The antique jar of piccalilli has resurfaced and it is fashionable to graze on nuts, seeds and crackers. Normally this would be derided as greedy but Christmas is a magical time where over indulgence is acceptable and encouraged.

As is door to door busking …

 

 

Carla, wearing socks on her ears and a Christmas hat is stood with her eyes closed singing.

 

 

Carla: … Silent night, holy night …

 

Beuford walks in also wearing a Christmas hat and is carrying a mannequin.

 

Beuford: Hey Carla, can I borrow some of your clothes?

 

Carla: No, you stretched them last time and that game wasn’t as fun as you said it was going to be … Whats that thing for?

 

Beuford: Is that never mentioning it again? Is it? …. And they’re not for me this time.

I have come up with the best idea ever

 

Carla: Your ideas always end in someone getting hurt … normally me

 

Beuford: I would never hurt you … unless it was kind of funny, but anyway nobody is going to get hurt, this is pure 100 percent guaranteed win.

 

Carla: I’m almost afraid to ask, but if you promise nobody is going to get hurt I’ll at least listen to it.

 

Beuford: I promise nobody will get hurt … right you know how you have got it into that sweet little head of yours that the old folks want singing to

 

Carla: (sighs) I take it you mean the carol singing at Happy Green Forest Retirement Home

 

Beuford: Yeah coffin dodgers love a bit of music, so I got to thinking how can carol singing be livened up a bit?

 

Carla: Interpretive Dance!

 

Beuford: What? (shudders) no way dude … but I would get to wear lycra … umm anyway what was I saying? You have thrown my train of thought off

 

Carla: you were on about your plan to liven up the caroling

 

Beuford: Oh yeah course I was, so yeah this time of year has all the best holidays, Halloween, Bonfire night and now Christmas. They cover three of my favourite things. Scaring people, Fire and free stuff.

 

Carla: You’re missing the point on all of those

 

Beuford: Am I? I doubt it, anyway the way I figure it if we combine all of these we will have the best holiday in the history of the animal kingdom

 

Carla: Go on them I’ll humour you what does it all involve?

 

Beuford: Are you ready? Strap in! here it comes!

 

 

(dramatic pause)

 

Trick Or Treat Carol singing

 

Carla: (confused) What?

 

Beuford: Trick or treat carol singing!

 

Carla: no I heard you, just how would this work? We sing and if they don’t give us something we egg there house?

 

Beuford: I knew you would love it!

 

Carla: What! I was joking!  Are you serious? Whats the dummy for then?

 

Beuford: I’m deadly serious about it, its like my life’s work, this is possibly the defining moment in my lifetime. This could go down in the history books along side that bell bloke who invented the telly.

 

And the Mannequin is for the final part, penny for the Christmas guy.

 

Carla: Penny for the what?

 

Beuford: The Christmas guy, we stick a hat on him bit of tinsel, wedge him up a chimney and set fire to him

 

It’s like a plan with out fail.

 

Carla: And we give the money to charity?

 

Beuford: What are you stupid? We buy more eggs with it, you have to speculate to accumulate. I’m thinking as well what with interest rates and what nots a penny for the Christmas guy isn’t right. I’m thinking more a pound fifty NO two pound for the Christmas guy.

 

Carla: There is no way you are doing this to the old folks, we are going there to sing for them because we care.

 

Beuford: But I don’t

 

Carla: Then we’ll do it because I care enough for both of us

 

Now have you been practicing?

 

Beuford: umm yeah of course I have

 

Carla: Well lets hear you then

 

Beuford: Ok …. (loudly ) jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle all the way, oh what fun it is to something something something HEY!

 

Carla: What was that?

 

Beuford: Jingle bells

 

Carla; Well what happened to the rest of it?

 

Beuford: I thought this might come up, Carol singers don’t have to know all the song my dear, just the first few lines or so, long enough for the mugs to answer the door and give us the cash

 

Carla: That’s disgusting, we are going to the old folks home to sing for them not fleece them for small change.

 

Luckily for us I know how you work, you may think I am silly and naïve but I know your game Beuford T Bunny. I have printed off the lyrics to the songs we are going to sing.

 

Now come on we have to get a hop on.

 

Carla walks off leaving a startled and worried looking beuford

 

Beuford: (mumbling) I don’t think you’re silly

 

Carla: What was that?

 

Beuford: Nothing

 

Narrator: Never under estimate the fairer sex boys, you may think you are cock of the walk, but she will know everything that goes on in your mind before you even think it as well most of the time as well.

 

Until next time children.

 

Take care you

 

 

 

Beuford: I love you so much

Santa's Grotty

Narrator: Hello Children, as we start to open the doors of our advent calendars the countdown to the birth of our lord begins in anger. Christmas lists are written, panics are purchased and the bottle of advocaat is dusted off for another unopened holidays. Another part of the build up is of course visiting Santa’s grotto because nothing says Christmas more than encouraging your child to sit on the knee of a strange man wearing a disguise and make demands.

 

 

Benny: (wearing an elf costume and an eye patch) Ok kids! If you’ll just form a line, Santa is almost ready to see you!

 

Beuford: (at the front of the queue) What are you meant to be?

 

Benny: I’m a pirate elf

 

Beuford: Sorry, a what?

 

Benny: A Pirate elf and this is Santa’s magical pirate grotto

 

Beuford: You look like Peter Pan with pink eye

 

Benny: Look kid, I’m an elf, Santa needs his elf’s and you kids love pirates … don’t you?

 

Beuford: Isn’t the plural of Elf, Elves?

 

Benny: (irate) Aren’t you a little old to believe in Santa claws?

 

Beuford: You know and I both know this charade has little to nothing to do with belief in anything

 

Benny: (confused) It doesn’t?

 

Beuford: Nope, its all about stuff

 

Benny: Stuff?

 

Beuford: Yup stuff, getting new cool stuff and as much of it as possible. Most of all its getting this years must have toy, we won’t play with it as it will be passé by the time we get back to school to brag about it, but right now and up until Christmas day, that toy, regardless of what it is the very centre of our existence

 

Benny: Really? What ever happened to the magic of Christmas?

 

Beuford: Magic is for babies, we want stuff

 

Benny: That’s so sad, how can you go through life like that? So cynical and bitter at such a young age

 

Beuford: Two words grandpa, Ironic Detachment.

 

Benny: Sorry what was that?

 

Beuford: Ironic Detachment …

 

People but too much faith in what I say and do, I don’t mean half of it and the rest is mainly for my own amusement

 

Benny: And what about the stuff you do mean?

 

Beuford: Most goes unnoticed or catches people off guard; I like to keep them on their toes.

 

Take Carla, I love that girl to bits; if anybody hurt her I would destroy them, literally.

 

But do I tell her?

 

No.

 

Benny: Why not?

 

Beuford: Things would change, I like the way she sort of wants to hate me and change me but still tries to get me to join in with her stuff anyway.

 

If she knew how I felt she would walk all over me, she would be in charge, I wouldn’t be me and she wouldn’t be her and we would fall apart.

 

You see?

 

Benny: Umm yeah I do, isn’t this all a bit sad? I mean how do you sleep at night knowing most people hate you when you’re not really the person they think you are?

 

Beuford: I sleep like a log and do you know why?

 

Benny: No, go on dazzle me

 

Beuford: Its simple, I don’t care, plain and simple, they can think what they want if they don’t realise the truth that’s their problem not mine.

 

Now can we get on with this I want my free toy

 

Benny: umm yeah sure thing kid, two seconds I’ll just see if he’s ready …

 

Benny runs off to the mouth of a cave and sticks his head inside

 

Ok, kids he’s ready!

 

Narrator: Childhood is so different these days to how it used to be, the age of innocence is no more and the dawn of the tweenager has already risen. Children are smarter and sassier than ever but deep down they are still children, a clown may be derided as lame or sad but a balloon animal will still bring a smile to even the most jaded child.

 

Until next time

 

Take care you

 

Beuford: Santa Claws! It really is you!

Christmas In Happy Green Forest

Narrator: Hello Children, Its almost Christmas, that magical time of year where all the boys and girls beg for forgiveness for their little indiscretions during the year and hope that Papa Noel turns a blind eye.

 

Carla and Beuford are sat writing their Christmas lists

 

Beuford: … Signed Beuford T. Bunny … Right I’m all done, you finished yet wench?

 

Carla: Don’t call me that you know I don’t like it, yes I have finished.

Shall we go and give them to Snappy so he can send them to the North Pole for us?

 

Beuford: Yeah, the North pole … lets hear yours first though I want to know how much you have asked for see if I need to stick a bit more onto mine.

 

Carla: No, It’s a secret, if I tell you he won’t bring me what I have asked for!

 

Beuford: no,no,no,no it doesn’t work like that, You read me your letter and I’ll check to see if you are asking for stuff that your parents are getting you anyway so you won’t end up with duplicate presents wasting Santa’s precious time

 

Carla: Oh, well I wouldn’t want to waste his time ….

 

(Carla clears her throat)

 

 Dear Father Christmas, I have been a very good girl this year, I have got good grades at school and I am nice to my parents and my friends. I gave some of my old toys to the twin trees fund and I volunteer at the Happy Green Forest Retirement Home, I read them stories.

 

All I really want for Christmas is a new mixing bowl as I accidentally broke my mothers when I was trying to make her a birthday cake.

 

I promise I will be more careful in the future

 

Lot of Love Carla Hopkins

 

Beuford: That’s it?

 

Carla: (worried) what do you mean that’s it?

 

Beauford: You are doing it all wrong

 

Carla: What do you mean? I have asked for the one thing I want

 

Beuford: But you have ‘fessed up to being naughty and you know what happens to the naughty kids don’t you?

 

Carla: (really worried) What happens to them?

 

Beuford: its simple … you been naughty youse getting coal

 

Carla: (close to tears) But it was an accident

 

Beuford: Santa doesn’t care if it was or not, you still broke it.. Thus you are on the naughty list. AND he doesn’t like suck ups all that rubbish about the old folks

 

Carla: I really do that

 

Beuford: (shocked) Really?

 

You really do that?

 

Why?

 

Carla: It makes me feel good about myself

 

Beuford:  Wrong answer!

 

Carla: What? Why?

 

Beuford: Makes you sound selfish, you think Santa is going to give selfish brats nice stuff? Youse is getting coal girl.

 

And promising to be good in the future? That isn’t going to work all the dude cares about is the past twelve months. You have got to save next years goodness for next year’s letter.

 

Say do you want me to rewrite it for you?

 

Carla: Can’t I hear yours first?

 

Beuford: You can’t copy mine! Copying is cheating; cheating is naughty, naughty gets you coal.

You may as well just accept it now… Say your folks have an open fire least you will be keeping them warm for a bit.

 

Carla: (sadly) I don’t want coal

 

Beuford: Course you don’t, nobody does, that’s why it’s reserved for the naughty kids and with my help we can get you back on the right list

 

Carla: Ok, I guess so

 

Beuford: Cool, get a pen and write this down …

 

Dear Santa.

 

I asked for a bike last year and it was a no show but we’ll let that slide if you dish one out this year ..

 

Carla: I already have a bike

 

Beuford: What?

 

Carla: I said I already have a bike, I don’t need a new one

 

Beuford: Its doesn’t matter if you do or not, you always have to ask for a bike, its like an unwritten rule or something

 

Plus you have to ask for something you know you are never going to get first so the thing you really want becomes the reasonable second option.

 

Carla: I don’t get it

 

Beuford: Right last year I got an air rifle

 

Carla: (Sadly) I know you shot my Ken doll

 

Beuford: He was a rebel spy and a traitor and he was executed for cowardice! … ummmm anyway if I asked for an air rifle straight away there was no way the old dude would have given me one, But as I asked for a top of the range custom built downhill mountain bike first, the air rifle seemed reasonable.

 

You have to play the game

 

Carla: I don’t know, it doesn’t feel very Christian tricking father Christmas like this

 

Beuford: What does Christianity have to do with Christmas anyway!

 

Carla: Well you know the birth of our lord and …

 

Beuford:  look its simple; you either want Chris Chrimble and presents, or Our Lord and babies in barns

 

What do you want?

 

Cool presents or cold boring churches and singing silly songs

 

Carla: It’s not that simple

 

Beuford: Yes, yes it is. You can’t have it both ways unless you put Myrrh on your list

 

Carla: Whats Myrrh?

 

Beuford: Exactly, now get with the plan and ask for cool expensive stuff, the economy is relying on us

 

Carla: (confused) What?

 

Beuford: The economy is in a severe downturn, people aren’t spending enough at the shops and it is our duty to use pester power to kick start it

 

Carla: But Santa has all of our presents made by his elves

 

Beuford: yes this is true, but if we ask for bigger and better things the elves have to work longer hours, so then they earn more money and THEN it is the elves money that will kick start the economy.

 

Carla: Well when you put it like that … I would like a new doll house

 

Beuford: That’s my girl

 

Narrator: It wasn’t like this in my day of course children, we were happy with what we got and that wasn’t a lot. We used to get a stocking with an Orange, some nuts and a milkyway in. None of these playstations and violent games one year Father made me a farm set, I used to spend hours ploughing the rug in the parlour, probably still got it in the attic somewhere …

 

Until next time

 

Take Care You

 

Beuford: You’re going to need a new pram as well someone took the wheels off to build a gokart